Shut Down

Good Morning, Friends!

I’m home sick today.  Would you believe I had to promise my mother last night that I wouldn’t go into work today?  I was always the kid trying to go to school, even if I had a high temperature and was feeling miserable.  Maybe that has a little to do with my perfectionist tendency, but I know that it had more to do with worrying about what I was going to miss and fearing falling behind the rest of the class.  I was never able to just rest easy and relax.

Anyway, I started feeling sick on Sunday and tried to rest in bed and read.  From Sunday afternoon until the early hours of this morning I had a constant headache that wouldn’t go away.  Thank goodness it finally seems to be gone (knock on wood).

Against Rob’s wishes I went to work yesterday.  There’s a big meeting going on today that I had to help prep for.  I went in knowing that I could always leave if I had to.  I just wanted to get a few things done to help my coworkers.  Everything seemed to be taking an extra long time for me to complete, due to the headache and then my temperature starting to rise.  It seemed to be one obstacle after another situating itself between me and getting myself out the door.  By the time I made it out of the office after 2PM I thought I was barely going to be able to make it home.  Luckily, there was no traffic at that time.  I whizzed home and plopped on the couch for the rest of the day.

In between episodes of sleep, I watched a few holiday movies that had been building up on the DVR.   By late evening I was starting to get worried because I wasn’t feeling any better at all.  Rob is away on a business trip, so there was no one to watch out for me.  My mom called to check in around that time.  It’s like she has radar.  I hope that I can be as good of a mom one day.  We think that I might have caught a bug, but this also seems to be what happens to me when I’m under a lot of stress.  My body just shuts down on me.

There’s one main source of stress in my life right now and I’m working on fixing the problem.  To be honest with you, my friends, I’ve been having some of my eating issues lately and I know that they stem from the stress.  My body physically shuts down, but emotionally I shut down too.  Rob had to pull me off of the stairs leading into the attic on Sunday because I was just standing on them crying with worry about the coming work week.

So, that’s where I’m at right now.  I’m not sitting here moping around today though.  I’m trying to stay positive and know that I’ll get myself into a better situation.  I’m going to relax, hopefully get rid of this bug and think about the good things coming in the near future.  Rob and I are thinking of moving this coming spring/summer, so I’m excited about our new home and being able to decorate it together.  I think that it will make me feel like it’s ours instead of me just living in Rob’s house, the way that I do now.  We’re looking in an area that reminds me of my home in CT.  I think that it would make for a little less home-sickness.  By the time January hits it will be 8 short months until my sister’s wedding.  I know those months will be filled with good times together leading up to the big day.  I also have a few creative things up my sleeve.  I’ll share them as they come along. 😉

So, it’s now time for this girly to cuddle up with a mug of hot tea and rest for a bit.

By the way, you know I’m sick when I let you see me with bed head, glasses and no makeup at all. 😉

I hope that you had a great weekend and that a wonderful week is in store for you.

Kim

Return From My Blogging Lapse

My Dear Friends,

So sorry for such a lapse in posting.  Work has been absolutely nutzo lately!  The time and energy to blog just hasn’t been there for me, but I’m hoping to get myself on some sort of schedule (either before work or after) in the coming weeks.

The holidays have been a whirlwind.  I can’t believe that the New Year is already upon us.  I feel like stores have been pushing each holiday way sooner than they should be.  I know they always do this, but it seemed to be at an extreme this year.  Have you felt that way at all?  I think they started pushing Halloween towards the end of August.  As much as I love candy corn, there’s something just wrong about it sitting on store shelves before fall has hit.

Thanksgiving went by in a flash!  Rob sent me to CT, via ferry, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving so I could spend some extra time with my family.  It was so nice being around everyone that I love and miss so much! 

All of the bedrooms were occupied, so my mom and I camped out on the living room couches while watching Lifetime movies.  I think that I saw more of the back of my eyelids than the actual movies, but it was nice being tucked in and spending some alone time with my mom.  I love that woman SO MUCH!

My sister and her boyfriend were great hosts the following day, to our family and his.  As we grow older traditions are changing.  Change is so hard for me.  I love routines and our special traditions.  I feel like something is missing when we don’t do things exactly the way we have for 30+ years. 

On a side note, how did I become old enough to have experienced that many Thanksgivings?!?!  SCARY!! 😉

No matter what, the most important thing is being surrounded by those closest to me.

 Maybe having a few of my Aunt’s pizzelles too….
 

Being able to see my Aunt was even better though.  🙂

I hope you’re able to slow down and enjoy this holiday season.  Between work, daily “to-dos” and all of the extra tasks that come with the holidays sometimes we forget what it’s really all about.

Be back soon!

Kim

Wednesday Top 5

Hey There!

  After yesterday’s kind of down in the dumps post I wanted to lighten things up in here.  Here are some things that are making me smile today.

1.  We’ve made it to middle of the week, my friends!

2. The weather is beautiful today. 

3. Memories from some random adventures with Rob last night keep making me laugh.

We had to go to FedEx last night to pick up a package.  Before gaining entrance to the building you had to buzz in and they let you through a turnstile.  Rob went through first and didn’t realize that Mr. FedEx decided he was going to play a joke on me, locking me in the turnstile.  He kept walking until I shrieked “Num!” (one of my nicknames for him).  He found my reaction hilarious. 😉

4. My mom is coming to Long Island this weekend!  She’ll be staying with my sister and her fiance, so I’ll be seeing these guys too!

I think I’ve really been missing my family.  Can’t wait to get some hugs! Which makes me look forward to…

5.  Seeing all of these guys on Thanksgiving!  It’s only 2 short weeks away! Can you believe it?!?!

This picture was taken a few Thanksgivings ago.  I’ll be sure to take many more pictures of the gang in a few weeks!

Ok, time for this girly to get back to work.  I have so much to do over the next 2 1/2 hours.  I scheduled my first therapy session for next Wednesday.  I hope that I click with the therapist and get things moving in a more positive direction.

Wishing you a Wonderful Remainder to Your Wednesday!

Kim

Reaching Out to Start Loving Myself

Hi Friends!

I know I’ve been MIA lately.  Sorry for disappearing on you like that. 😦

Lately, I’ve been feeling a little….lost.  There are so many good things going on in my life (fun family happenings, life with Rob, good friends, my new car, etc) and yet there’s something weighing on me and I can’t seem to put my finger on it.

I don’t feel motivated  AT ALL.  There are days I wish I could just hide away under the covers of the bed and not have to deal with anything.  I go to work and count the seconds until I’m able to leave.  You’d think it was a horrible place where I was tortured all day, but it isn’t.  Yes, they definitely load you with work and the way they go about things isn’t always right, but I’m surrounded by many good people, especially two great friends that I made here.  🙂

It makes me wonder if I’m just unhappy because there are other things I’d rather be doing, like pursuing baking, nutrition and building up my blog.  Everyone has to work (well, pretty much everyone) and I’m sure that we’d all rather be doing something other than sitting at our desks everyday.  There are things that we’d all rather be doing and I know that I’m not alone in feeling that way.

I started to have a few binge problems lately and I wonder if it all stems from my unhappiness and feeling trapped.  I tend to completely zone out when I have my eating issues.  I escape reality for those moments and then feel completely horrible afterwards.  Rob caught me for the first time the other night and I was mortified.  I hated him having to see me at my low point.  I feel so guilty when he then has to deal with my negative attitude because I’m mad at myself for losing control.  Even though he loves me and we are a team I don’t want to put that strain on him and our relationship.  He always tells me that he loves me so much and then states that he wishes that I could loved myself just as much.

So, Sunday afternoon I started to do some investigating and found a therapy/nutrition group that specializes in those with eating disorders.  I reached out and asked for help and am in the process of making my first appointment with them.  While I’m MUCH better than I was over the past decade or so (scary to even think I’ve been dealing with this for so long) I don’t even want to fathom another 32+ years of dealing with this.  It just isn’t healthy, mentally or physically. 

I NEVER want my future children to see me struggling nor do I want to push my own issues onto them.  I would never forgive myself, because I wouldn’t wish what I’ve gone through on my worst enemy, nevermind my own flesh and blood.

Yesterday, I started writing out my thoughts, listing reasons I think I have my flare ups with these issues.  I shared them with Rob and my mom and I plan on bringing them with me to my first session.  I see the problems, I just have to find the steps to help in correcting them.

Rob and I both agree that I need to take the time to pursue the things that I’m passionate about.  I started looking into classes that will bring some joy into my life and help me further develop my skills in the things that I enjoy (baking, photography, nutrition, yoga, etc).  Having the money to do these things has always been an issue, but I think that in this case finding the means to do these things will be a major step in the right direction for me.  Let these things be my outlet, instead of zoning out with food.  Let my skills develop so that I have a sense of accomplishment and self worth….I think that I will love myself for it in the long run.

So, that’s that.  😉  Now, it’s time to get back to work and knock out the remaining 3 hours left to the work day.

No matter what, always remember….

Hope the beginning of your week has been a great one! 

Kim

Trick or Treat?

Hi Friends!

Sorry I haven’t been very consistent lately with posting.  There’s a lot going on in my neck of the woods, which has distracted me from my writing.  Luckily, it should all be coming to an end within the next 2 weeks.  Of course, the holidays will be right around the corner at that point, but at least those will be positive things to focus on.

A HUGE weight will be lifted off my shoulders by this evening.  By that point I’ll have signed the papers for my new car lease! Yay! My old lease ends on November 15th, but we got a special deal by signing the papers by end of month, so I went for it.

I can’t wait to get rid of my current car.  It holds some not so fun memories, including the car accidents you might remember me mentioning this past spring.  Out with the old and in with the new, right?  I love having a clean slate!

The trick this weekend was definitely the SNOW that decided to pay a visit to the northeast on Saturday. 

The messy weather made car shopping miserable.  We trampled in and out of car dealerships, wet and cold from the mix of snow and rain.  I was feeling down because I knew I was going to have to settle on a car, instead of really loving it.  That shouldn’t be the case when making a large purchase.

Little did I know the end to my search would come right after I moped my way through lunch.  Since there weren’t many people venturing out to buy cars AND because it just happened to be the last Saturday of the month I was treated to a great price on a car that I love!

 

I could feel a huge smile forming on my face as we took it for a test drive.  As Rob and I walked back to the building I literally started skipping around.  He said he knew at that point that it was “THE ONE”.  LOL.  I can’t wait to get my little whipper!  Maybe my drive to work won’t be quite as torturous anymore, because I’ll be excited to just use the car.  You think? 😉

I’ll be heading out of work at 5PM on the dot to go sign those papers.

I CAN’T WAIT!!

Then, Rob and I will head home to give some of this…

…to some of these…

Happy Halloween!

Kim

Banana Muffin Meltdown

Hi Friends!

Wednesday again!  I swear, where does the time go?  As I get older time, seems to move faster and faster.  Can we say SCARY?!?!

Lately, so much has been going on in both my personal and professional life that I feel like there’s never time to just breathe and be in the moment.  Luckily, many of those things are positive.  Others, like work stress and Rob’s surgery become a little much to handle at times.

Side Track – Surgery went very smoothly for Rob.  We were at the hospital for 12 hours, but the surgery itself was under 2 hours.  I was happy to see his loving smile in the recovery room.  He was all mushy.  I wish I had a video camera to show him how sweet he was.  He’s still in pain, with limited mobility, but at least the worst is over with (knock on wood).

Back on Track – Lack of sleep and heightened emotions from worry and stress had me very cranky after work yesterday.  I felt like a zombie and food wasn’t very appealing to me.  I had some ripe bananas that I decided I would make banana muffins with, but couldn’t find my whole wheat flour for the life of me.  Rob saw me searching cabinets and the freezer multiple times.  I know it is somewhere in that kitchen.  Where it is, I have no clue….

Anyway, the banana was already mashed and in the bowl, along with some all-purpose flour.  After 10 minutes of searching the entire thing just got dumped into the garbage.  I didn’t have the energy to deal with something so unimportant, in the grand scheme of things.  I could have made the muffins with what I had, but I was so annoyed with not being able to find the whole wheat flour, after a day of annoying situations at work, that the best solution for me was to trash everything.

I then made myself a quick omelet and cuddled up to Rob for the rest of the night.  He’s still in so much pain.  It’s hurts me to see what he’s going through and not be able to take the pain away for him.  I feel like I’m constantly hovering around him, but at least he knows that I care. 😉

The last thing I wanted to do this morning was wake up extra early to make it to a training session at the gym.  I wouldn’t allow myself to back out and was proud of myself once it was all over and done with.  The trainer doesn’t want me losing any more weight.  Now, we’re focusing on “toning” up and building some muscle.  Of course, this means I really need to work on upping my calories (the hardest part for me….of all things).

I’m looking forward to this week being over and taking the weekend to be with Rob and also to take some much-needed “Me Time”.  All the go, go, GO has really been wearing me out and I feel like I might have a breakdown….literally.

Ok, time to get some more work done.  A little less than 4 hours left here.  Can’t wait to be on my way back home!

Wishing you a Wonderful Wednesday!

Kim

When You Know Too Much

Hey There,

It’s Friday!  Yay!!!  I’ve been looking forward to today since…..well, since Sunday night. LOL.  Is that bad?  😉

I haven’t mentioned it, but I’ve been kind of depressed lately.  I don’t know if it’s the change in weather, feeling overwhelmed with life in general (work, obligations, searching for a car before my current lease is up, fixing my car before turning it in, not having time for myself), worrying about Rob, or being disappointed that I haven’t been able to do certain things just yet.  I’m kind of taking each day as it comes and getting through it as best I can.  I really need a few mental health days, but I don’t think that will happen until the new year, which seems so far off right now.  Anyway….

Do you ever find that the more you know about a certain subject the more confusing things can be?  Do you find it more difficult to just take what others say and go with it?  I was thinking about this as I was driving into work this morning.  As we know, I can be my own worst enemy, especially when it comes to nutrition/fitness.  I’ve read so many things and spoken with so many professionals over the years. Everyone out there has a different theory and reason why their method is best.  Certain information contradicts other information and can be quite confusing when you’re trying to make sense of it all.

When I initially lost the bulk of my weight in high school it was like I was working with a clean slate.  I had no idea about nutrition, other than the fact that sweets and junk food probably weren’t the best choices while trying to lose weight or for good health in general.  During that time, I learned more about calories, about making healthier food choices and about incorporating exercise into my routine.  It was very basic, but it worked.

Over the years, my obsession with nutrition and fitness grew.  It seems I can no longer rely on the basics that helped me to reach my initial goal.  Back then, a personal trainer set my meals up for me and I blindly followed her advice….and it worked.  Now, I find that I question EVERYTHING.  I need to know “why” something is set up a certain way, how they came to the conclusion of what my intake should be and how come things might be different from something that they told me a month before.   I seem to be unable to just receive information and go with it.  I’m sure my life would be easier if I could take all of the questions out of the equation and listen to what I’m being told. 

I was up until 1AM this morning working on nutrition.  When my alarm sounded I was exhausted and sadly stumbled out of bed with no more answers than before I started my research and calculations.  I mentioned to Rob, while getting ready, that I so badly wish that I didn’t know as much as I do.  I wish things could just be simple again.  I wish that I could be like my sisters and mom, not worrying about the component of nutrients that make up a meal.  They don’t weigh their food or worry if a meal doesn’t have protein.  They are able to pick up a cookie if they crave it and eat it without guilt.  The last time my brain was free to do any of those things was when I was a child.  I wish I could go back.

I find this to be the case in many areas of my life, but I see it most in my nutrition/fitness, because it is something I’m constantly focused on.  Is this something that you deal with in areas of your life? 

I actually think that my desire to step on stage is because I already do so many of the things that competitors do.  I just don’t have the body that shows how much I put into it all….and that frustrates me.  I’ve put so much time and energy into this over the years that other areas of my life now aren’t what they should be.  I wish I had other passions that were strong enough to allow me to escape my own mental prison.

In the grand scheme of things there are so many worse things that I could be dealing with.  I should be thankful for my health and all of the other positive things in my life.

Rob Update:

Onto more important things…..Rob has his surgery scheduled for Monday, but we’re still unsure of the time.  Please keep him in your thoughts.  It should be a minor surgery, but it’s surgery all the same.  Just want my man to not be in pain anymore. 😦

Wishing you a wonderful weekend!

Kim