Reaching Out to Start Loving Myself

Hi Friends!

I know I’ve been MIA lately.  Sorry for disappearing on you like that. 😦

Lately, I’ve been feeling a little….lost.  There are so many good things going on in my life (fun family happenings, life with Rob, good friends, my new car, etc) and yet there’s something weighing on me and I can’t seem to put my finger on it.

I don’t feel motivated  AT ALL.  There are days I wish I could just hide away under the covers of the bed and not have to deal with anything.  I go to work and count the seconds until I’m able to leave.  You’d think it was a horrible place where I was tortured all day, but it isn’t.  Yes, they definitely load you with work and the way they go about things isn’t always right, but I’m surrounded by many good people, especially two great friends that I made here.  🙂

It makes me wonder if I’m just unhappy because there are other things I’d rather be doing, like pursuing baking, nutrition and building up my blog.  Everyone has to work (well, pretty much everyone) and I’m sure that we’d all rather be doing something other than sitting at our desks everyday.  There are things that we’d all rather be doing and I know that I’m not alone in feeling that way.

I started to have a few binge problems lately and I wonder if it all stems from my unhappiness and feeling trapped.  I tend to completely zone out when I have my eating issues.  I escape reality for those moments and then feel completely horrible afterwards.  Rob caught me for the first time the other night and I was mortified.  I hated him having to see me at my low point.  I feel so guilty when he then has to deal with my negative attitude because I’m mad at myself for losing control.  Even though he loves me and we are a team I don’t want to put that strain on him and our relationship.  He always tells me that he loves me so much and then states that he wishes that I could loved myself just as much.

So, Sunday afternoon I started to do some investigating and found a therapy/nutrition group that specializes in those with eating disorders.  I reached out and asked for help and am in the process of making my first appointment with them.  While I’m MUCH better than I was over the past decade or so (scary to even think I’ve been dealing with this for so long) I don’t even want to fathom another 32+ years of dealing with this.  It just isn’t healthy, mentally or physically. 

I NEVER want my future children to see me struggling nor do I want to push my own issues onto them.  I would never forgive myself, because I wouldn’t wish what I’ve gone through on my worst enemy, nevermind my own flesh and blood.

Yesterday, I started writing out my thoughts, listing reasons I think I have my flare ups with these issues.  I shared them with Rob and my mom and I plan on bringing them with me to my first session.  I see the problems, I just have to find the steps to help in correcting them.

Rob and I both agree that I need to take the time to pursue the things that I’m passionate about.  I started looking into classes that will bring some joy into my life and help me further develop my skills in the things that I enjoy (baking, photography, nutrition, yoga, etc).  Having the money to do these things has always been an issue, but I think that in this case finding the means to do these things will be a major step in the right direction for me.  Let these things be my outlet, instead of zoning out with food.  Let my skills develop so that I have a sense of accomplishment and self worth….I think that I will love myself for it in the long run.

So, that’s that.  😉  Now, it’s time to get back to work and knock out the remaining 3 hours left to the work day.

No matter what, always remember….

Hope the beginning of your week has been a great one! 

Kim

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7 thoughts on “Reaching Out to Start Loving Myself

  1. Doll, I have been going through some similar things lately. It makes you wonder if you’re ever going to just be normal, right??? I feel like I probably need to do some kind of group/therapy/something, but I don’t have insurance right now, so I’m not sure what my out of pocket cost would be. I hope you can share some of what goes on in your work–I know it would be helpful to me!

    • Hugs to you! Yes, it’s scary to think if this is the way I will have to continue living life. I’m much, much better than years past, but I always wonder what my life would be like if I didn’t have this obstacle in the way to fully enjoying life. In reality, there are people with much bigger problems than me and some of them are completely content with their lives. I try to keep things in perspective as much as possible.

      I’ll have to pay out of pocket for the place I’m thinking of going to. I think I can then submit a claim to my insurance to be rebated, but I have to look into it. Some places have sliding scales, so that might be an option for you and group therapy is probably less expensive as well (never attended myself, so not sure). I’ll definitely keep you updated with any tips I walk away with. Try to stay positive. If you ever want my number to talk I’ll send it to you. XOXO

  2. Good for you for talking and brainstorming about this with Rob and your mom, and for seeking out this group! Sending good thoughts your way. I know just how you feel with so much of what you described in this post.

  3. I found this blog and I really dont even know how I did it but I am glad I did! I do alot of the things that you do. I have a beautiful family, I get to stay at home and take care of my two kids while my fiance takes care of us but I still have days were (I call them my blahs) I feel so just down right horrible. I binge eat for one or two days then do super work outs and eating right for 5 to 6 days to just do it again. It makes me feel horrible and I think I am hiding it mostly but I know my fiance knows that something isnt right cause the days that I am binging I dont want us to be intimate cause I feel so icky. Well I hope this tells you that you are not alone! Thanks!

    • Thanks for stopping by and leaving a message. I love hearing from people!

      One of the reasons I started my blog is because I’m not the only one struggling with these issues. I wanted others to know that they aren’t alone. I understand the cycle that you’re in and go through phases of it myself. Not knowing your day to day eating/workout routine and I can’t be sure, but speaking from my own experience, maybe you’re not eating enough and/or exercising too much on the 5 days that you are on track. Eventually it ends up leading to a binge. I know that’s what my problem has been. I have a difficult time being flexible. I want to be “perfect” with my eating and won’t allow myself the little treats that might allow me the feeling of satisfaction that my body is craving. Instead, I end up setting myself up for much worse in the long run.

      I’m always here if you need someone to talk to. You can e-mail me at: perfect.imperfectly@gmail.com. Try to stay positive and work on getting healthy for yourself and your beautiful family. It’s easier said than done, I know. Sending positive vibes your way! XO

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