I know I’ve been MIA lately. Sorry for disappearing on you like that. 😦
Lately, I’ve been feeling a little….lost. There are so many good things going on in my life (fun family happenings, life with Rob, good friends, my new car, etc) and yet there’s something weighing on me and I can’t seem to put my finger on it.
I don’t feel motivated AT ALL. There are days I wish I could just hide away under the covers of the bed and not have to deal with anything. I go to work and count the seconds until I’m able to leave. You’d think it was a horrible place where I was tortured all day, but it isn’t. Yes, they definitely load you with work and the way they go about things isn’t always right, but I’m surrounded by many good people, especially two great friends that I made here. 🙂
It makes me wonder if I’m just unhappy because there are other things I’d rather be doing, like pursuing baking, nutrition and building up my blog. Everyone has to work (well, pretty much everyone) and I’m sure that we’d all rather be doing something other than sitting at our desks everyday. There are things that we’d all rather be doing and I know that I’m not alone in feeling that way.
I started to have a few binge problems lately and I wonder if it all stems from my unhappiness and feeling trapped. I tend to completely zone out when I have my eating issues. I escape reality for those moments and then feel completely horrible afterwards. Rob caught me for the first time the other night and I was mortified. I hated him having to see me at my low point. I feel so guilty when he then has to deal with my negative attitude because I’m mad at myself for losing control. Even though he loves me and we are a team I don’t want to put that strain on him and our relationship. He always tells me that he loves me so much and then states that he wishes that I could loved myself just as much.
So, Sunday afternoon I started to do some investigating and found a therapy/nutrition group that specializes in those with eating disorders. I reached out and asked for help and am in the process of making my first appointment with them. While I’m MUCH better than I was over the past decade or so (scary to even think I’ve been dealing with this for so long) I don’t even want to fathom another 32+ years of dealing with this. It just isn’t healthy, mentally or physically.
I NEVER want my future children to see me struggling nor do I want to push my own issues onto them. I would never forgive myself, because I wouldn’t wish what I’ve gone through on my worst enemy, nevermind my own flesh and blood.
Yesterday, I started writing out my thoughts, listing reasons I think I have my flare ups with these issues. I shared them with Rob and my mom and I plan on bringing them with me to my first session. I see the problems, I just have to find the steps to help in correcting them.
Rob and I both agree that I need to take the time to pursue the things that I’m passionate about. I started looking into classes that will bring some joy into my life and help me further develop my skills in the things that I enjoy (baking, photography, nutrition, yoga, etc). Having the money to do these things has always been an issue, but I think that in this case finding the means to do these things will be a major step in the right direction for me. Let these things be my outlet, instead of zoning out with food. Let my skills develop so that I have a sense of accomplishment and self worth….I think that I will love myself for it in the long run.
So, that’s that. 😉 Now, it’s time to get back to work and knock out the remaining 3 hours left to the work day.
No matter what, always remember….
Hope the beginning of your week has been a great one!