Let’s see – Where do I start?…
Growing up, weight was always an issue for me. By the end of my freshman year of high school my weight was a whopping 186lbs on my 5’4″ frame. I remember going shopping with my much thinner friends and walking outside to cry because nothing in the store would even slide halfway up one of my legs. The turning point came the summer before my sophomore year of high school when I was crying in bed one night, thinking about the sophomore dance that would be coming up in the spring. I knew that the dress options for someone like me would be limited and I wasn’t happy with my appearance. I was tired of being teased at school and tired of looking in the mirror and hating what I saw. My mom happened to hear me crying that night and she helped me find a program at a local gym to aide in my weightloss efforts.
I still remember meeting with my consultant that day. She told me, “You’re going to do this.” You know what? I did! It was through moderation, mostly healthy eats and some activity that I lost the weight. I couldn’t have been happier slipping into the dress of my dreams for my sophomore ring dance.
Now, if this were a fairytale I would have met my Prince Charming at the dance and that would have been the end of my story; however, it’s 15 years later and my story is still ongoing. After my initial weightloss of 71lbs, family and people at school became concerned. They thought I was too skinny. Eventually, my parents put me on weight gainers shakes. Me? The girl who dieted her entire life to get to this point was now being set up to gain weight?!?! This threw me into a panic. I liked how I looked. I worked my whole life towards this point and I felt like it was just going to get taken away from me….Just. Like. That.
I tend to be a pleaser. I respected my parents’ wishes and started taking the shakes, but played around with my other meals to make up for the added calories. It was at this point that I’d say my eating disorder showed its nasty head. Looking back now, I see that there were problems from childhood. Food had been a source of comfort for me, back then. Being the pleaser I am, I always did what I thought would make others happy and then I think that I turned to food to feel good. I’ll touch more on that later. Where were we? Oh yes, taking the shakes. I graduated high school at 128lbs. I wasn’t happy with the extra 13lbs they’d had me put on. I went away to college and was scared to death of this thing called the Freshman 15, I’d heard so many things about. No way was I going to let that happen to me. I stuck to the salad bar, loading my plate with a large variety of veggies, lean meats and good carbs. As time went on, that plate had less and less on it. In the end, I was eating a pile of romaine, a few other veggies and balsamic vinegar. Sometimes I’d have an apple or some fat free frozen yogurt, but a day of eats hardly ever went above 400 calories, which included calories in the gum I chewed. Honestly, I don’t even know how I made it through that year. I was 90lbs when I got home from school and wasn’t able to go back for my sophomore year.
In the years since then, my weight has been up and down, never reaching my highest or lowest points again. I started having problems with binges and depression. Through it all, I eventually did graduate from college and started working. I’m still a work in progress. At the ripe old age of 31, I’m just now starting to LIVE my life, instead of watching it pass me by. I already wasted too many years, allowing my weight to determine where my life was going. You see, I tend to be a perfectionist; hence the name of my blog. Unless I knew I could do something perfectly I probably wouldn’t even try or if I was in the midst of doing something and realized I couldn’t do it perfectly I would stop reaching for my goals. Many times I’d tell myself that when I reach “X” amount of pounds that is when I would do something (Ex: buy a new dress, go on a vacation, go out with friends, etc). No one is perfect though. I realize that I am my own worst critic. Sometimes, when I see myself through others’ eyes I am touched. They are so much kinder to me and my flaws. I would never criticize anyone the way I do myself. So, it is time to start a new chapter. A chapter where I accept my flaws and realize that I am perfect just the way I am. It is our imperfections and our struggles that make us who we are. I will no longer allow my weight to define me as a person. There is just so much more to life and I’m excited to start living!
I invite you to follow me on my journey to living and loving life. I’m ready to take on new challenges, push myself into new situations, become fitter and accept myself….imperfections and all. 🙂