Making The Effort to Let Go & Release Control

Hey There,

We made it to the mid-week hump!  Still moving like molasses here, but at least there are less days remaining to the work week than those that need to be worked.  Another plus?  This is a long weekend for me with our office being closed on Monday. Hurray!

This is only my second day of blogging from my car and I can already tell you that it’s been a great outlet for me.  Stepping away from that desk of mine and the craziness inside the office does a world of good.  I feel like a load is lifted off of my shoulders.

Right before I headed out here I received an e-mail from a coworker that annoyed me.  Steam blew through my ears, I vented to a coworker friend of mine and told her “With that I’m off to my car!”  She laughed and told me to run.

I have to say, if not for anything I’ve made two true friends while working here.  I’ve also picked up a lot of knowledge for future use, if you get what I mean.  The friendships are most important to me though.  Those two friends have gotten me through many tough days.  Then, they’d send me off to Rob, who they knew would help in mending the wounds of the day.

Anyway, I couldn’t sleep last night.  If you follow me on twitter you know that I got an iPhone 4s yesterday.  Between the excitement of setting it up and also drinking a Starbucks’ Venti  Awake tea an hour before bedtime (smart, right?) my eyes just wouldn’t close.  I gave Rob a kiss (he was already out of it) and headed back to the living room to watch a few shows I had saved on the DVR (The Vampire Diaries & The Secret Circle, if you must know.)

Yes, I’m a wannabe teenager. 😉  I love The Vampire Diaries, but I’m not sure how I’m feeling about The Secret Circle right now.  Time will tell though.

Close to 2 AM my eyelids started drooping.  At this point my stomach was feeling off.  I slept on and off until 5:45 AM, when my alarm sounded to get up for my training session at the gym.  I SO didn’t feel like getting up, but I did.  The trainer ended up being late AGAIN!  I think he knows I’m getting tired of it.

People tend to take advantage of my kindness, but if you push me to a certain point you don’t even know what’s coming at you.  The wrath of Kim.  I think the roll of my eyes this morning gave him an inkling that I’m nearing the end of my rope.  Anyway, whenever he does show we have a great session and this didn’t disappoint.  I walked out feeling like I’d gotten something accomplished before my day truly got started.

Today, I wanted to touch upon a little something I mentioned yesterday.  I quickly stated that I had no resolutions regarding weight loss and that’s true.  I don’t remember a year where weight loss hasn’t been a goal of mine.  Honestly, I’m in a good place right now with my weight.  Would I be happy if I lost a pound or two?  I’m not going to lie, I would, but I’m not focusing on it.

After so many years of abusing my body and mentally draining myself with calculations and macronutrient counts I realized that I was just plain over it.  To focus so long and hard on something and have it get me nowhere just isn’t worth it.  I know I’ve said it before, but I’m my own worst enemy.  I’m my own worst critic, as well.

So, I decided about a month ago that I wasn’t going to let this defeat me any longer.  I had to make the effort to let go & release control.  I joined Weight Watchers online because I felt like it would allow me to feel safe with my eating while learning balance and moderation.  I’ve gone to such extremes in the past that I rarely ever enjoy food.  I don’t remember what many things taste like (because I made them off-limits to myself) and going to restaurants or other people’s houses became be traumatic events for me.  I don’t want this for myself, Rob, my family or my future children.  I want to live in the moment, enjoy life and maybe even enjoy a piece of cake if I so choose.

Mmm....Cake

I want to be able to share an ice cream cone with Rob on a random Sunday, after a day of boating.

Usually, I’m the person in the group saying that they’ll only have an iced coffee or something calorie free.  We only get one life and we should enjoy special moments.

The point is, I needed my mind to be clear from the restrictions I inflicted on it.  I tend to eat mostly healthy as it is, but if I choose to enjoy a special treat every so often I should be able to….WITHOUT guilt.  Weight Watchers has been great for me and I look forward to defeating my eating issues by continuing with it.

Errr….it’s about that time again.  Time to head back inside for a few more hours.  You can bet I’ll be racing out as quickly as possible to make it home and spend some cuddle time with my man. 🙂

I hope you’re having a good day!


Kim

What steps you’re taking to work on issues you deal with?

Would you like to see some of my typical daily eats?

I want to know.  Let me hear from you. 🙂

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When “No” Becomes “Yes”

Hi Guys!

Middle of the week….I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Even better?  I was asked yesterday to attend an advanced PowerPoint class on behalf of my company, so I’ll be out of the office on Monday for training.  It’s always nice to get out of the office to switch things up a bit.  Doing new things is also good for someone like me who tends to stick to what they know and never venture out of the norm.  There’s no turning back now.  I’m excited for something new and also to add more to my skill base.  It never hurts, that’s for sure.

This morning started off with an early gym session to pump out a functional workout.  My core and shoulders will be loving and hating me at about the same time.  I can’t begin to tell you the changes I’ve seen in my core since adding functional workouts to my routine.  This is the first time EVER that I’ve actually seen things changing for the positive with my own two eyes and also realize that what I’m looking to achieve is within my reach.

I have to tell you that besides the stress I’ve been going through recently, I’m in a happy mood today.  My stressors are things that can be fixed.  Now might not be the time to fix them, but at least I can try to stay positive knowing that I’m not stuck forever.  Instead, I’m trying to focus on all of the good in my life.  Sometimes, in the moment, you forget what’s really important in life, like your health, the people you love and all of the struggles you’ve encountered on your journey that you actually tackled.

Within the past year I’d say that I’ve come a long way.  My disordered eating patterns have changed drastically for the better (not perfect yet, but much, MUCH better than they had been) and I’ve definitely grown as a person.  I’m still shy compared to most others, but I’m breaking certain barriers that I once had.

At one time, if a person told me “No” I would take it at face value.  Now, I’ve learned to push the envelope a bit and question “Why?”  I’ve learned that communication is key and sometimes you have to explain yourself in order to turn that “no” into a “yes”.

If you remember, about a month ago, I mentioned that I tried an online training program, but it seemed to be “One Size Fits All“.  They didn’t seem to want to budge with the program they were giving others, which upset me because we are all unique and need different things for success, just like each child learns a different way in school.  The teacher wouldn’t ask the student to adapt to a style that doesn’t work for them.  Instead, the teacher would try to incorporate different methods of teaching so that each individual child could learn the same concept in their own way (at least, that’s what a good teacher would do).

I was honestly bummed because I’ve seen others who have had so much success with the program and I was really hard on myself for not being able to be one of those successes.  I knew the method wasn’t healthy for me though, so I told the company that I was going to have to stop. 

The trainer reached out to me and tried to explain her reasoning for doing things their way.  In turn, I responded with what this crazy mind of mine does why I needed things a different way.  Do you know what happened?  The trainer came back to me letting me know that they would work with my needs.  YAY!  🙂

It turns out that they thought I would have problems, knowing my eating disorder history, with the program I was asking for.  My reasoning helped them to see that the method I was asking for would actually help me.  They told me to always be honest with them and let them know if I’m having any eating issues.  They want me to achieve my fitness goals in the healthiest way possible.

Sometimes, you have to push in order to receive.  I think good ol’ Rob has rubbed off on me a bit.  😉  He pushes for what he wants in life and most times he gets what he wants.  If you don’t ask you’ll never know what might be possible.

Ok, back to work I go.  I hope this Wednesday is treating you well.  Only a few more days until the weekend!

Kim

Workout Switch Up

Hi Friends,

Man, it feels like forever since I’ve been able to pop in. Things here have been more than a little crazy lately and I’m feeling a bit zombie-like. My coworker is finally back, so some of the stress has lifted off of my shoulders; however, we are now entering our busy season which means more work (and craziness) in general.

What I would give to be outside right now. I’m staring out the large window in our reception area watching the trees in all of their beautiful, green glory swaying in the breeze. The sun is shining and I’m sure there are birds chirping somewhere nearby, as well. 😉 Instead, I’m cooped up inside and probably won’t feel any fresh air until I leave for the day….at whatever time that might be tonight.

On a positive note, today was the first day of my beginner’s running program and I rocked it! I thought for sure that I would have a problem waking up early this morning, to hit the gym before work, since I barely got any sleep last night. It actually didn’t faze me at all. I stayed in bed an extra 10 minutes, since I had already allotted it into the time I set my alarm for. Then, I popped up and got moving.

The parking lot at the gym tricked me into believing that there were more people there than there actually were. I was happily surprised when I walked in to find my fair share of treadmills for the picking. It turned out that most people there came to take an aerobic class. Lucky me! I chose my treadmill and quickly got into a rhythm and focused on my breathing. Eventually, I completely zoned out and the run was over before I knew it.

Then, it was time to hit the weights. I found an old routine in my gym bag which I decided to start up again today. It didn’t disappoint and I felt very accomplished by the time I stepped out of the gym at 7AM. I was sweaty, my muscles were pumping and I was full of energy. It was the perfect way to get this Tuesday started.

I’m thinking of switching up my workout times a bit or I might break my routine into two different parts. Breaking it up wouldn’t be to get more exercise in during the day; rather, it would be to let out some energy built up from stress. I always feel better after working out and I like having some sort of a routine. Lately, it’s been a great way to get me going in the morning and I notice when I go after work that I feel much better than when I walked in the doors. Granted, I have limited time in my schedule, so this might not work everyday for me, but maybe I’ll switch it up a couple of times a week to see what brings about the most positive change in my mood. More importantly is getting to the gym, no matter what time of day it ends up being.

I’m sorry if I sound a bit down. There’s a lot weighing on my mind lately and I’m feeling a little lost and trapped. I know what I want to do. I just don’t have the means to make it happen right now. I have some more investigating to do and hopefully I’ll be able to make some positive changes in the near future. I have a ton of support between my family and Rob. The timing is just off right now and of course finances always have to be worked out. I know I’m being vague, but some of you might know what I’m referring to.

Hope you have a wonderful day! 🙂

Kim

Sunday Yoga & A Breakfast Treat

Hi Friends!

How has this weekend been treating you?  Mine has been relaxing, filled with lots of sunshine and friends.  I must admit that as each day comes to an end my anxiety starts growing in anticipation of the work week ahead.  Currently, my upper left eyelid is twitching (literally) due to the anxiety. 

I’m trying to stay in the moment and focus on the positive.  I figured I should start my day off with some yoga to add a little balance to my life.  This was only my second class and I enjoyed it even more than the first.  I always thought that I would have a hard time staying in the moment in yoga.  I thought that my mind would be racing and I wouldn’t be able to be at one with myself.  Everyday problems and my to do list are the furthest thing from my mind when I’m in class though.  It’s been good for me to get away for that hour and connect with myself.

After balancing my mind and body, I decided to add some deliciousness to my life.  Growing up, pancakes were always my favorite breakfast.  Every birthday they were my pick when my mom asked what I would like to eat to start my special day.  Not only are they delicious, but I think they bring a source of comfort to me.  The only thing better would have been if my mom was here to set them in front of me and give me a hug.  Hers always taste better.  I think it’s because I know they’re made with love. 😉

As you can see, mine must have been absolutely horrible.

I enjoyed them alongside a Starbuck’s Venti Awake Tea while reading over a running program I found on the Women’s Health website. 

I’m a horrible runner, due to my knee issues, but I found a beginner’s running plan that I’m thinking of starting this week.

Now, Rob & are heading out onto the water for a couple of hours to get some kiteboarding in.  There weren’t any instructors available to teach me today, so I’m bringing my kindle along to read while Rob boards from shore to shore.

Later on, friends are coming over to hang out on the boat and hopefully we’ll spend the night with lots of laughter and good company.

Have a great day!

Kim

What Would You Do?

Hi Guys!

We made it to Wednesday and I’m still trucking along over here.  As I cross each day off the calendar, before I leave the office, I feel a little bit of stress being lifted off my shoulders because I’m one day closer to my coworker returning. 🙂

I’ve been dealing with a multitude of conflicting decisions lately.  Mainly, I’m trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up.  Seeing as I’m 32, I’d say it’s about time to figure it out, don’t you?  😉

The problem is that I have so many passions that keep pulling me in opposing directions.  I’m trying to find creative ways to combine them all.  All it takes is time (which I don’t have much of lately) and money (not rolling in dough, you know). 

In my heart, I know that I’m meant to do more than sit at a desk in an office all day.  While I love being able to help others and gain a great deal of satisfaction when I accomplish certain tasks, I know there’s something missing.  I don’t think that I went through everything that I have to not be helping others in their journey to finding health, wellness & balance in their lives.  Maybe my blog can serve some purpose in that, but I’m really hoping to be able to advise others one day. 

My other passion would be baking.  Growing up, I was always more artistic than athletic.  I remember taking an art class when I had to leave college for a semester because of my health.  My mom thought that I should do something with my time so that I wasn’t just moping around at home.  I set to work sketching and one day the instructor looked over at me from the other side of the table and commented on how nice the water looked in my sketch.  She then asked if I knew I could draw that way.  My response was that I thought everyone could do that.  I’ve never had enough confidence or faith in myself to see my potential.  I’ve always been one to criticize my own weaknesses, unfortunately. 

The good thing is that I’m finally surrounded with very supportive people.  My family has always been a constant.  Even though everyone has their own struggles to deal with we come together in important times (and now many more happy times).  Rob has given me so much in the year that I’ve known him.  For once I feel very safe and supported in my relationship.  Then, there are the friends I’ve met through the blogging community and those like my trainer who see within me what I sometimes don’t see in myself.  Like I’ve said many times before, I am my own worst enemy.

Anyway, I got a little off track there.  Where I was going with the art class is that my artistic abilities comes through in my baking.  Not only do I love creating delicious desserts, but my favorite part is putting the finishing touches onto my creations.  Sprinkles aren’t just randomly thrown onto my desserts, my friends.  Each one is specifically placed to be appealing to the eye.

Of course, being someone who has a bit of a sweet tooth and who has also battled weight; over the years I’ve come to find healthier substitutions to full-fat, high-cal treats.  Sometimes the real thing is totally worth it and others not so much.  I’d love to share my ideas with others and let them see that it’s all about balance and you truly can treat yourself….every day, even. 😉

What would you do if you had passions that lie outside of the corporate world?  How would you go about following your dreams while still being able to pay the bills?  My mom suggested that I wait until the new year to pursue things.  My car lease is up in November, so a car with lower payments will be helpful in reaching my goals.

Believe it or not, my post originally wasn’t going to pertain to the above.  I guess it’s been on my mind and I feel stuck. Ugh. 😦  Anyway, what I intended to ask was more to do with purchasing personal training sessions.

My last free session that came with my membership will be quickly used up next Wednesday morning.  The gym offers a 20 session package for $599 and a 40 session package for $1099.  Since I don’t have a money tree growing in my back yard, I’m wondering if I should hold off on a purchase. 

I see the sessions as an investment in my health.  I really think that James can get my body to where I’d like it to be through our functional training workouts.  He pushes me to do more than I’d be able to do on my own.  He’s also careful to show me exercises that are manageable with my knee problems.

On the other hand, do you know what I could be doing with $599?   I need new clothes!  My sister is getting married next summer and I’m in the wedding, so I know there will be expenses associated with that.  Once I turn my car in, I’m sure I’ll have to put some money down.  Also, what about those career passions I mentioned just a few minutes ago?  Should I put that money toward them?  Aaaahhhh!  What would you do? 

Ok, enough rambling for today.  This chick has to get back to work!

Hope you have a wonderful day!  Let me know, what would you do?

Kim

Making My Way Through The Craziness

Friends!

How are you?!?! I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve been able to write more than a few words. 

Let me start off by saying that work is ABSOLUTELY CRAZY right now!  Yesterday started off with a tantrum at the house with Rob following me around like a puppy that was sad for its owner.  He gave me lots of hugs and then sent me on my way.  I pouted the entire drive with tears streaming down my cheeks.  More tears followed when a coworker stopped by my cubicle to see how I was doing.  I tried to be strong and say I was fine, but I’m a horrible liar and she saw right through me.  When she said, “you don’t seem fine” the tears started flowing again.  After a pep talk with her I was feeling a little better and got down to business.  

Have you ever been so overwhelmed by work that you’re almost paralyzed?  You don’t know where to even start?  That’s how I felt yesterday.  There are so many random projects I’m working on, but it’s more my coworker’s work that has me stressed.  I don’t mind working hard.  Not. One. Bit!  It’s more that there are so many unanswered questions with her work and I don’t know the background behind it in order to make the best judgement. 

I just have to breathe.  The 31st will be here soon enough and then I took September 1st & 2nd off to enjoy the long Labor Day weekend.  We might even take a trip somewhere so stay tuned. Fingers crossed for some great beach weather.  😉   

Anyway, it is what it is and I’m trying not to let it get to me.  The only thing that got me through yesterday was knowing that I planned something just for me at the end of the day.  I had another session with my trainer and let me tell you it was just what I needed!  I walked into the session like Debbie Downer and walked out with much higher spirits.  The sessions are only 30 minutes but they whip my ass!  We do a bunch of functional training and James also helps in stretching me out.  I feel like my posture has improved after only 3 sessions! 

I felt like I could have been a contestant on the Biggest Loser last night.  James had me whipping ropes, throwing balls, lifting kettle bells, using the TRX system, balancing on stability balls and using the rowing machine in-between.  For someone who has always felt like the strong girl in the gym, I sure felt like a weakling last night. 😉  My afternoon snack literally almost made its way back up, but I held it down.  After my session I had to lie down for about an hour before I could down anything.

I can honestly say that I could feel that I needed to eat more.  I think it was the first time that I realized how important it is to fuel yourself with enough good calories because of how I felt during the workout.  Everyone has been telling me to eat more, but this was the first time my body felt the damage of not eating enough.  I’m working on it, friends.  Today I brought extra food with me to do just that.  I added a protein shake between breakfast and lunch.  My stomach is still full, but I’m hoping that by the time I’m finished with desk coverage my belly will be hungry for lunch.  If not, I’m just going to add some higher calorie (healthy) foods into the mix. 

James told me to just try it for 2 weeks and see what happens.  He promises all good things and I’m willing to take the chance.  A little bit of fear sneaks in from time to time.  Fear that the extra calories will make me gain weight and all of my hard work will be for nothing.  My fear of gaining at this point in time is mostly because I have a bunch of fun events coming up in the near future.  My sister’s engagement party is next month and we’ll be going bridesmaid dress shopping in October.  I also have two weddings I’ll be attending this fall along with all of the fun things that surround weddings (bridal parties, bachelorette parties, etc). 

I know adding the calories is the answer to my problems though. I just have to have faith!  I mean, what damage could I really do in two weeks, right?  Rob’s response to me was, “You’ve been doing it your way for over a decade and you aren’t happy.  Why don’t you try someone elses way for a change?” You know what?  He’s right! 🙂

So, that’s the story, friends.  In 10 short minutes I’ll be sitting back at my desk, hidden behind piles of papers, spreadsheets and more folders than I know what to do with.  I’m going to try to catch up on some other blogs since I’ve been such a bad blog friend lately.

Have a great day!

Kim

Getting Off the Merry-Go-Round

Happy Friday, Friends!

I can’t explain how happy I am that less than a full workday separates me from my weekend.  I’m doing the Friday Happy Dance in my chair right now. Woot! Woot! 🙂

I was groggy when I woke up this morning and my stomach wasn’t feeling just right.  Normally, I would roll over and give myself that extra hour of sleep before getting ready for work, but I had an appointment at the gym and wasn’t going to miss it. 

Remember when I was stood up by that trainer about a month ago?  If not, you can read about it here & here.  About a week later she called with a sorry excuse of an explanation as to why she didn’t show.  I knew she was lying.  Have I mentioned how much I detest lies?  I’d rather hear the truth than know that you’re trying to pull the wool over my eyes.  She simply could have said that she had forgotten the appointment, but she didn’t.  Everyone makes mistakes.  I would have accepted that and moved on.  After hearing her excuse on my voicemail, I pressed the delete button and never called back.

On Wednesday, one of the guys at the front desk approached me during my warm-up asking if I was going to take my free sessions.  I briefly told him what happened and he promised that he was going to set me up with the best trainer they have.  Before leaving the gym, I was introduced to James and was given an appointment for this morning.

After speaking with him for the first few minutes this morning, I knew he was the right fit for my training needs.  People tend to think I’m younger than I really am (very thankful for my genes) and always try to hand me off to the newbie trainers.  Most times, I know more than they do.  I explain “THIS HAS BEEN MY LIFE FOR YEARS!”  As I responded to James’ questions his eyebrows started to arch up.  He acknowledged that I know my stuff and that he’s going to bring me to that next level that I’ve been trying to reach.

Remember when I had my knee problems (You can find some posts about it herehere & here)? Ever since then I’ve been deathly afraid of doing something wrong in the gym to make my knees flare up again.  Just a few weeks ago I started to slowly add lower body exercises into the mix.  I never run because I’m afraid of what the impact might do, but have been doing other forms of cardio.  I explained my fears and James told me how we’re going to correct the problem.  I’m excited!

Another fear of mine deals with the nutrition aspect of things.  I told James a little bit about my weight history.  We went over my meals and I impressed him with my tuna salad recipe.  Fat free greek yogurt , mixed in with a lil mustard, to add some creaminess and a zing?  Yes please! 😉  I’d take it over mayo any day of the week!

After hearing me out, he told me what I already know deep down.  He told me that I’m not eating enough.  I know that this is the root of all of my problems.  It’s why I never have enough energy, it’s why I have hit a plateau with my weight loss, it’s why I haven’t been making gains with my lifts and it’s why I eventually end up binging.  I have an honest fear about upping calories, but I know it’s what I must do.  With James’ guidance I’m going to up my cals and hopefully see the results I’ve been searching for.  I’m truly scared, but I know it must be done.  If not, I’m going to end up in the same cycle I’ve been on for years.  It’s a ride I wouldn’t wish on anyone and I want out!  I’m getting off this merry-go-round and never looking back!

What’s something that’s a true fear of yours that isn’t a second thought to someone else?  My food fears have been a struggle for as long as I can remember.  I’m much better now with adding variety and some fun to my meals.  I’m a work in progress.  My mom fears driving on the highway.  We all have our thing. 😉

Kim