Shut Down

Good Morning, Friends!

I’m home sick today.  Would you believe I had to promise my mother last night that I wouldn’t go into work today?  I was always the kid trying to go to school, even if I had a high temperature and was feeling miserable.  Maybe that has a little to do with my perfectionist tendency, but I know that it had more to do with worrying about what I was going to miss and fearing falling behind the rest of the class.  I was never able to just rest easy and relax.

Anyway, I started feeling sick on Sunday and tried to rest in bed and read.  From Sunday afternoon until the early hours of this morning I had a constant headache that wouldn’t go away.  Thank goodness it finally seems to be gone (knock on wood).

Against Rob’s wishes I went to work yesterday.  There’s a big meeting going on today that I had to help prep for.  I went in knowing that I could always leave if I had to.  I just wanted to get a few things done to help my coworkers.  Everything seemed to be taking an extra long time for me to complete, due to the headache and then my temperature starting to rise.  It seemed to be one obstacle after another situating itself between me and getting myself out the door.  By the time I made it out of the office after 2PM I thought I was barely going to be able to make it home.  Luckily, there was no traffic at that time.  I whizzed home and plopped on the couch for the rest of the day.

In between episodes of sleep, I watched a few holiday movies that had been building up on the DVR.   By late evening I was starting to get worried because I wasn’t feeling any better at all.  Rob is away on a business trip, so there was no one to watch out for me.  My mom called to check in around that time.  It’s like she has radar.  I hope that I can be as good of a mom one day.  We think that I might have caught a bug, but this also seems to be what happens to me when I’m under a lot of stress.  My body just shuts down on me.

There’s one main source of stress in my life right now and I’m working on fixing the problem.  To be honest with you, my friends, I’ve been having some of my eating issues lately and I know that they stem from the stress.  My body physically shuts down, but emotionally I shut down too.  Rob had to pull me off of the stairs leading into the attic on Sunday because I was just standing on them crying with worry about the coming work week.

So, that’s where I’m at right now.  I’m not sitting here moping around today though.  I’m trying to stay positive and know that I’ll get myself into a better situation.  I’m going to relax, hopefully get rid of this bug and think about the good things coming in the near future.  Rob and I are thinking of moving this coming spring/summer, so I’m excited about our new home and being able to decorate it together.  I think that it will make me feel like it’s ours instead of me just living in Rob’s house, the way that I do now.  We’re looking in an area that reminds me of my home in CT.  I think that it would make for a little less home-sickness.  By the time January hits it will be 8 short months until my sister’s wedding.  I know those months will be filled with good times together leading up to the big day.  I also have a few creative things up my sleeve.  I’ll share them as they come along. 😉

So, it’s now time for this girly to cuddle up with a mug of hot tea and rest for a bit.

By the way, you know I’m sick when I let you see me with bed head, glasses and no makeup at all. 😉

I hope that you had a great weekend and that a wonderful week is in store for you.

Kim

Banana Muffin Meltdown

Hi Friends!

Wednesday again!  I swear, where does the time go?  As I get older time, seems to move faster and faster.  Can we say SCARY?!?!

Lately, so much has been going on in both my personal and professional life that I feel like there’s never time to just breathe and be in the moment.  Luckily, many of those things are positive.  Others, like work stress and Rob’s surgery become a little much to handle at times.

Side Track – Surgery went very smoothly for Rob.  We were at the hospital for 12 hours, but the surgery itself was under 2 hours.  I was happy to see his loving smile in the recovery room.  He was all mushy.  I wish I had a video camera to show him how sweet he was.  He’s still in pain, with limited mobility, but at least the worst is over with (knock on wood).

Back on Track – Lack of sleep and heightened emotions from worry and stress had me very cranky after work yesterday.  I felt like a zombie and food wasn’t very appealing to me.  I had some ripe bananas that I decided I would make banana muffins with, but couldn’t find my whole wheat flour for the life of me.  Rob saw me searching cabinets and the freezer multiple times.  I know it is somewhere in that kitchen.  Where it is, I have no clue….

Anyway, the banana was already mashed and in the bowl, along with some all-purpose flour.  After 10 minutes of searching the entire thing just got dumped into the garbage.  I didn’t have the energy to deal with something so unimportant, in the grand scheme of things.  I could have made the muffins with what I had, but I was so annoyed with not being able to find the whole wheat flour, after a day of annoying situations at work, that the best solution for me was to trash everything.

I then made myself a quick omelet and cuddled up to Rob for the rest of the night.  He’s still in so much pain.  It’s hurts me to see what he’s going through and not be able to take the pain away for him.  I feel like I’m constantly hovering around him, but at least he knows that I care. 😉

The last thing I wanted to do this morning was wake up extra early to make it to a training session at the gym.  I wouldn’t allow myself to back out and was proud of myself once it was all over and done with.  The trainer doesn’t want me losing any more weight.  Now, we’re focusing on “toning” up and building some muscle.  Of course, this means I really need to work on upping my calories (the hardest part for me….of all things).

I’m looking forward to this week being over and taking the weekend to be with Rob and also to take some much-needed “Me Time”.  All the go, go, GO has really been wearing me out and I feel like I might have a breakdown….literally.

Ok, time to get some more work done.  A little less than 4 hours left here.  Can’t wait to be on my way back home!

Wishing you a Wonderful Wednesday!

Kim

Stressing & Dreaming

Hi Friends!

We’re over the hump and into the tail end of the week.  Hallelujah!

I’ve been extremely stressed lately with things at work and the usual stressors that most of us face.  I can tell ya that stress doesn’t do this body good.  I panic.  I linger over the things that I don’t have any control over.  I become depressed.  I know there are other ways to deal with stress more positively and I’m working on them.  There are certain things within my grasp that I know will make me happy (or at least I think they will), but due to certain factors like finances they slip through my fingers.

Stressors aside, life is good.  I couldn’t ask for better people in my life.  I’m healthy and what do you really have without your health and people who love you?  These are the things I have to remind myself of when I’m down.

I know you all know my dreams of doing something with nutrition and/or baking.  They continue to be goals of mine and I’m taking steps to make it happen.  They might be teeny tiny steps, but at least I’m moving forward.  There’s one dream I don’t think I’ve shared with you yet though….

Around the time I reached my lowest weight while suffering from my eating disorder, I was in the grocery store with my mom and my eyes spotted a Muscle & Fitness magazine.  This was before the days where fitness magazines focusing on women lined the shelves.  The magazine was geared more towards men reaching their fitness goals, but the woman on the cover caught my attention.  She was athletic  looking.  Slender, but with apparent muscle. She looked healthy which I knew I looked the opposite of.  At that point, I was like a sack of bones.  The moment I saw the magazine I KNEW that I had to change and that her figure was really my ideal.

Things didn’t magically change after getting my hands on that copy of Muscle & Fitness.  This has been a long journey and I’ve struggled to be healthy for years.  Am I much better than I was that day?  Yes, sure am.  Am I cured of my struggles?  No, but I fight them and will never give up.

I mention the magazine and what my ideal became because EVER SINCE THAT DAY I’ve wanted to compete in a figure show.  I’ve tried a few times to work towards getting on stage.  The nutrition always threw me because of my disordered eating mentality.  I knew when to back off because I didn’t want to travel further down any bad roads again.  Over the years my weight has fluctuated, but I’ve never been back at my highest or lowest weights again, fortunately.

Recently, a coach reached out to me.  When I disappeared on her, she didn’t just let me drift away, like a leaf in the wind.

She pulled me back and questioned what was going on.  It was at that time that I questioned things myself and turned a “no” into a “yes”.

I can feel it in my bones that THIS is the time.

My thinking has changed.  I’m not just looking to lose weight or fit into a certain size.  This time, I’m working to just be healthy.  Over the years, I’ve done so much to my body.  I thought that my metabolism was shot and that I’d never be able to eat more than 1200-ish calories.  I was wrong.  We’re working on repairing this poor body of mine and getting me far down the road to good health.

While I tend to make my life much more difficult than it needs to be, I can see how I can make this a lifestyle for life, through compromise on both our parts (my coach and me).  She switched things up to meet my needs and I need to let her “control the bus a little” (as she says).

Friends, I’m going to do it this time.  This is one dream I know I can make a reality.  No matter what else is going on in my life this is something that not many other factors have control over other than the hard work I need to put in.  Obviously, if my body can’t handle it or something seems like it will trigger me I will stop or see what we can do to make changes that won’t trigger me.

It’s funny because I’m so shy in person.  My mom says that stepping on stage, in a bikini of all things, is so not like me.  I think that everyone I know will have jaws on the floor when I reach this goal.  It isn’t because they don’t believe in me, but just that it’s so unlike me to be center stage.  It’s been a goal for so long though and I just can’t seem to let it go.  I think that I will kick myself years from now if I don’t at least give it a fair shot.

So, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it! 😉  Now, I’m looking to you to keep me accountable.

I still have to figure out a goal date, but will know that in the very near future.  My first goal date won’t necessarily be to step on stage.  Rather, I’d like to see what my body can do and actually visit a show in person to take everything in.  We’ll set a target date to see how my body responds to different things and then go from there.

I’m going to work on keeping you updated daily on certain things (like hitting certain targets), but haven’t figured out exactly what targets just yet.  I’ll still keep you up to date on my random adventures and thoughts.  Fitness will just take up a little more space on the blog.  What do you think?

I’ll leave you with that for now and fill you in as I know more.

Have a great day!

Kim

My Security Blankets

Hi Friends!

How’s your week going so far?  It’s only Tuesday, but I’m already exhausted.  My boss leaves for Italy today and was in an all day (literally 9-5) meeting yesterday.  I had to come in early to insure that I would actually get some time with him. Then, I had to stay almost 2 hours late in order to go over everything he wanted me to work on while he’s away.

My body can’t keep up with the stress and hours here.  On top of it all, I’m definitely not paid enough to do what I do and work the number of hours that I work.  I love the majority of the people who I work with, but other than that this isn’t really worth it.  Rob has commented a number of times that he hates my job.  It isn’t even my having to work late as much as his having to deal with my being so stressed out when I get home.

Confession #1: I used to have a security blanket growing up.

When I was a baby, my Dad tried to soothe me to sleep one night. He put a blanket over his shoulder, laid me over it and rubbed my back while saying “Do naw-nees Kimmy.”  I doubt that naw-nees is a real word or if that’s how you would spell it if it were. What I do know is that naw-nees meant to go to sleep.  What my dad never would have guessed is that I would relate naw-nees to the blanket and that from then on my security blanket would be called “Naw-Nees”.

Confession #2: “Used to” is a thing of the past, in the confession above.

Let it be known that the blanket (aka Naw-Nees) has come out from hiding for the past month or so.,,,,just about the time I started to have eyelid twitches.  Rob cringes when he sees me with it because he knows why I have it.  I keep half of it at the house and the other half in the car.  I’m 32!  What’s wrong with this picture? If I ever confess to sucking on a pacifier let me know that I’m being ridiculous, ok?  😉

This weekend, I spent time with the mother of all security blankets.  I call her Mom.  I’ll tell ya, there’s nothing like being with my mom.  We get along so well and enjoy each other’s company immensely.  For me, my mom has always brought a sense of security.  No matter what age I’ve been, I could always call my mom and know that my problem would either be solved or that she would just be able to put my mind at ease until the problem was resolved.  She’s just good like that. 🙂

We made a stop at some of our favorite places while I was there, but didn’t get to hit everything that we had planned on. I then cried almost the entire way home to NY. I miss her so much and I miss CT too.  😦

Of course, I had my Rob waiting for me back at the house.  He’s another wonderful security blanket in my life.  He knew something was wrong when he saw me and when he questioned if I was ok the floodgates reopened.  The poor guy was wearing a white shirt which I quickly messed with my tears and smeared makeup. Eventually, after a bunch of hugs, he had me laughing and being silly again, in our usually Rob-Kim fashion.

I’m looking forward to more feelings of security when we visit CT this weekend for my sister’s engagement party.  Once there, I’ll be surrounded by everyone that I care about, all in one place.  Rob & my blanket will just have to do until then.  😉

Hope you’re having a great day!

Kim

Workout Switch Up

Hi Friends,

Man, it feels like forever since I’ve been able to pop in. Things here have been more than a little crazy lately and I’m feeling a bit zombie-like. My coworker is finally back, so some of the stress has lifted off of my shoulders; however, we are now entering our busy season which means more work (and craziness) in general.

What I would give to be outside right now. I’m staring out the large window in our reception area watching the trees in all of their beautiful, green glory swaying in the breeze. The sun is shining and I’m sure there are birds chirping somewhere nearby, as well. 😉 Instead, I’m cooped up inside and probably won’t feel any fresh air until I leave for the day….at whatever time that might be tonight.

On a positive note, today was the first day of my beginner’s running program and I rocked it! I thought for sure that I would have a problem waking up early this morning, to hit the gym before work, since I barely got any sleep last night. It actually didn’t faze me at all. I stayed in bed an extra 10 minutes, since I had already allotted it into the time I set my alarm for. Then, I popped up and got moving.

The parking lot at the gym tricked me into believing that there were more people there than there actually were. I was happily surprised when I walked in to find my fair share of treadmills for the picking. It turned out that most people there came to take an aerobic class. Lucky me! I chose my treadmill and quickly got into a rhythm and focused on my breathing. Eventually, I completely zoned out and the run was over before I knew it.

Then, it was time to hit the weights. I found an old routine in my gym bag which I decided to start up again today. It didn’t disappoint and I felt very accomplished by the time I stepped out of the gym at 7AM. I was sweaty, my muscles were pumping and I was full of energy. It was the perfect way to get this Tuesday started.

I’m thinking of switching up my workout times a bit or I might break my routine into two different parts. Breaking it up wouldn’t be to get more exercise in during the day; rather, it would be to let out some energy built up from stress. I always feel better after working out and I like having some sort of a routine. Lately, it’s been a great way to get me going in the morning and I notice when I go after work that I feel much better than when I walked in the doors. Granted, I have limited time in my schedule, so this might not work everyday for me, but maybe I’ll switch it up a couple of times a week to see what brings about the most positive change in my mood. More importantly is getting to the gym, no matter what time of day it ends up being.

I’m sorry if I sound a bit down. There’s a lot weighing on my mind lately and I’m feeling a little lost and trapped. I know what I want to do. I just don’t have the means to make it happen right now. I have some more investigating to do and hopefully I’ll be able to make some positive changes in the near future. I have a ton of support between my family and Rob. The timing is just off right now and of course finances always have to be worked out. I know I’m being vague, but some of you might know what I’m referring to.

Hope you have a wonderful day! 🙂

Kim

The Go-To Girl

Hi Friends!

I can’t tell you how great it felt rolling over in bed this morning and not having anywhere to be at a certain time.  It felt like a Saturday even though it’s only Thursday.  Rob is home too, so some random silliness ensued upon our waking.  If his friends only knew how silly and sweet he can be.  They really only see a certain side of him.  I get to see all. 🙂

I’ve been waiting for this day for about a month now.  You might remember my having anxiety about one of my coworkers taking a two-week vacation and my having to cover her work.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind helping out in the least; however, it was the type of work that needed to be done on top of my own workload.

My coworker returned from her trip yesterday and I was feeling like only a shadow of myself.  My face looks gaunt and there are dark circles under my eyes.  I haven’t been able to take a lunch break in over two weeks and I’ve been staying late to finish things up.  There were many days I’d pass the lunch room on the way to the restroom and see some of my friends sitting around a table, laughing and eating their lunches.  I walked by in a hurry, waving as I passed the glass that encompasses the lunch room.  One of the girls mentioned to me yesterday that she had been worried about me.  She was wondering why I was chained to my desk and thought that I might just quit.

By yesterday I was literally hunching my back, due to stress that seems to congregate there, and didn’t even realize it was happening until a coworker called me out on it.  He also mentioned that I should get my coworker flowers for returning.  Ummmm….how about she should be getting me flowers for dealing with everything I’ve had to do.  He was only kidding, but I wasn’t really in the mood to hear it.  My own work was sliding and you know how I hate not performing at my best.

I thought that with my coworker’s return I would be out of work at 5PM on the dot.  That wasn’t the case yesterday though.  At 6:40PM I finally made my way out of the building relieved that I had made it to my long weekend.  Relieved until a text popped through from my boss telling me about a meeting that was to happen next Wednesday.  Um, great timing?  I guess I’ll just have to deal with it next week when I’m back in the office, but I know I’m going to be worrying about everything I have to do until then.

The thing that bothers me is that I seem to be everyone’s “go-to” person.  I cover the reception desk so the receptionist can have lunch, even though I don’t get to take my own break.  I cover other people when they’re out on maternity leave or vacation or they are just plain lazy and are passing the buck.  Yet, I’ll be out for two days and running my reports for that meeting Wednesday will wait for me to do until I return.

It is what it is, I guess, right?  I’ll be honest.  There was one day I was so overwhelmed at work that I was ready to just get up, walk out the door and not return.  The stress I have isn’t worth any of the return.  We’ll see what happens….

On a brighter note, I’m off today through the Labor Day holiday on Monday.  Yay!  There are lots of things that have been on the back-burner for me to write about and I’m hoping to get on here everyday until my return to the office.

As for now, I have a hungry man waiting to grab breakfast with me.  It’s a beautiful day here in NY.  I’m thinking that some coffee (much needed right now) and breakfast consumed outside while overlooking the water sounds perfect.

Wishing you a great day!

Kim

PS: A special hello to my sister’s coworker.  Thanks for reading! 🙂

Making My Way Through The Craziness

Friends!

How are you?!?! I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve been able to write more than a few words. 

Let me start off by saying that work is ABSOLUTELY CRAZY right now!  Yesterday started off with a tantrum at the house with Rob following me around like a puppy that was sad for its owner.  He gave me lots of hugs and then sent me on my way.  I pouted the entire drive with tears streaming down my cheeks.  More tears followed when a coworker stopped by my cubicle to see how I was doing.  I tried to be strong and say I was fine, but I’m a horrible liar and she saw right through me.  When she said, “you don’t seem fine” the tears started flowing again.  After a pep talk with her I was feeling a little better and got down to business.  

Have you ever been so overwhelmed by work that you’re almost paralyzed?  You don’t know where to even start?  That’s how I felt yesterday.  There are so many random projects I’m working on, but it’s more my coworker’s work that has me stressed.  I don’t mind working hard.  Not. One. Bit!  It’s more that there are so many unanswered questions with her work and I don’t know the background behind it in order to make the best judgement. 

I just have to breathe.  The 31st will be here soon enough and then I took September 1st & 2nd off to enjoy the long Labor Day weekend.  We might even take a trip somewhere so stay tuned. Fingers crossed for some great beach weather.  😉   

Anyway, it is what it is and I’m trying not to let it get to me.  The only thing that got me through yesterday was knowing that I planned something just for me at the end of the day.  I had another session with my trainer and let me tell you it was just what I needed!  I walked into the session like Debbie Downer and walked out with much higher spirits.  The sessions are only 30 minutes but they whip my ass!  We do a bunch of functional training and James also helps in stretching me out.  I feel like my posture has improved after only 3 sessions! 

I felt like I could have been a contestant on the Biggest Loser last night.  James had me whipping ropes, throwing balls, lifting kettle bells, using the TRX system, balancing on stability balls and using the rowing machine in-between.  For someone who has always felt like the strong girl in the gym, I sure felt like a weakling last night. 😉  My afternoon snack literally almost made its way back up, but I held it down.  After my session I had to lie down for about an hour before I could down anything.

I can honestly say that I could feel that I needed to eat more.  I think it was the first time that I realized how important it is to fuel yourself with enough good calories because of how I felt during the workout.  Everyone has been telling me to eat more, but this was the first time my body felt the damage of not eating enough.  I’m working on it, friends.  Today I brought extra food with me to do just that.  I added a protein shake between breakfast and lunch.  My stomach is still full, but I’m hoping that by the time I’m finished with desk coverage my belly will be hungry for lunch.  If not, I’m just going to add some higher calorie (healthy) foods into the mix. 

James told me to just try it for 2 weeks and see what happens.  He promises all good things and I’m willing to take the chance.  A little bit of fear sneaks in from time to time.  Fear that the extra calories will make me gain weight and all of my hard work will be for nothing.  My fear of gaining at this point in time is mostly because I have a bunch of fun events coming up in the near future.  My sister’s engagement party is next month and we’ll be going bridesmaid dress shopping in October.  I also have two weddings I’ll be attending this fall along with all of the fun things that surround weddings (bridal parties, bachelorette parties, etc). 

I know adding the calories is the answer to my problems though. I just have to have faith!  I mean, what damage could I really do in two weeks, right?  Rob’s response to me was, “You’ve been doing it your way for over a decade and you aren’t happy.  Why don’t you try someone elses way for a change?” You know what?  He’s right! 🙂

So, that’s the story, friends.  In 10 short minutes I’ll be sitting back at my desk, hidden behind piles of papers, spreadsheets and more folders than I know what to do with.  I’m going to try to catch up on some other blogs since I’ve been such a bad blog friend lately.

Have a great day!

Kim