My Security Blankets

Hi Friends!

How’s your week going so far?  It’s only Tuesday, but I’m already exhausted.  My boss leaves for Italy today and was in an all day (literally 9-5) meeting yesterday.  I had to come in early to insure that I would actually get some time with him. Then, I had to stay almost 2 hours late in order to go over everything he wanted me to work on while he’s away.

My body can’t keep up with the stress and hours here.  On top of it all, I’m definitely not paid enough to do what I do and work the number of hours that I work.  I love the majority of the people who I work with, but other than that this isn’t really worth it.  Rob has commented a number of times that he hates my job.  It isn’t even my having to work late as much as his having to deal with my being so stressed out when I get home.

Confession #1: I used to have a security blanket growing up.

When I was a baby, my Dad tried to soothe me to sleep one night. He put a blanket over his shoulder, laid me over it and rubbed my back while saying “Do naw-nees Kimmy.”  I doubt that naw-nees is a real word or if that’s how you would spell it if it were. What I do know is that naw-nees meant to go to sleep.  What my dad never would have guessed is that I would relate naw-nees to the blanket and that from then on my security blanket would be called “Naw-Nees”.

Confession #2: “Used to” is a thing of the past, in the confession above.

Let it be known that the blanket (aka Naw-Nees) has come out from hiding for the past month or so.,,,,just about the time I started to have eyelid twitches.  Rob cringes when he sees me with it because he knows why I have it.  I keep half of it at the house and the other half in the car.  I’m 32!  What’s wrong with this picture? If I ever confess to sucking on a pacifier let me know that I’m being ridiculous, ok?  😉

This weekend, I spent time with the mother of all security blankets.  I call her Mom.  I’ll tell ya, there’s nothing like being with my mom.  We get along so well and enjoy each other’s company immensely.  For me, my mom has always brought a sense of security.  No matter what age I’ve been, I could always call my mom and know that my problem would either be solved or that she would just be able to put my mind at ease until the problem was resolved.  She’s just good like that. 🙂

We made a stop at some of our favorite places while I was there, but didn’t get to hit everything that we had planned on. I then cried almost the entire way home to NY. I miss her so much and I miss CT too.  😦

Of course, I had my Rob waiting for me back at the house.  He’s another wonderful security blanket in my life.  He knew something was wrong when he saw me and when he questioned if I was ok the floodgates reopened.  The poor guy was wearing a white shirt which I quickly messed with my tears and smeared makeup. Eventually, after a bunch of hugs, he had me laughing and being silly again, in our usually Rob-Kim fashion.

I’m looking forward to more feelings of security when we visit CT this weekend for my sister’s engagement party.  Once there, I’ll be surrounded by everyone that I care about, all in one place.  Rob & my blanket will just have to do until then.  😉

Hope you’re having a great day!

Kim

Sunday Yoga & A Breakfast Treat

Hi Friends!

How has this weekend been treating you?  Mine has been relaxing, filled with lots of sunshine and friends.  I must admit that as each day comes to an end my anxiety starts growing in anticipation of the work week ahead.  Currently, my upper left eyelid is twitching (literally) due to the anxiety. 

I’m trying to stay in the moment and focus on the positive.  I figured I should start my day off with some yoga to add a little balance to my life.  This was only my second class and I enjoyed it even more than the first.  I always thought that I would have a hard time staying in the moment in yoga.  I thought that my mind would be racing and I wouldn’t be able to be at one with myself.  Everyday problems and my to do list are the furthest thing from my mind when I’m in class though.  It’s been good for me to get away for that hour and connect with myself.

After balancing my mind and body, I decided to add some deliciousness to my life.  Growing up, pancakes were always my favorite breakfast.  Every birthday they were my pick when my mom asked what I would like to eat to start my special day.  Not only are they delicious, but I think they bring a source of comfort to me.  The only thing better would have been if my mom was here to set them in front of me and give me a hug.  Hers always taste better.  I think it’s because I know they’re made with love. 😉

As you can see, mine must have been absolutely horrible.

I enjoyed them alongside a Starbuck’s Venti Awake Tea while reading over a running program I found on the Women’s Health website. 

I’m a horrible runner, due to my knee issues, but I found a beginner’s running plan that I’m thinking of starting this week.

Now, Rob & are heading out onto the water for a couple of hours to get some kiteboarding in.  There weren’t any instructors available to teach me today, so I’m bringing my kindle along to read while Rob boards from shore to shore.

Later on, friends are coming over to hang out on the boat and hopefully we’ll spend the night with lots of laughter and good company.

Have a great day!

Kim

The Go-To Girl

Hi Friends!

I can’t tell you how great it felt rolling over in bed this morning and not having anywhere to be at a certain time.  It felt like a Saturday even though it’s only Thursday.  Rob is home too, so some random silliness ensued upon our waking.  If his friends only knew how silly and sweet he can be.  They really only see a certain side of him.  I get to see all. 🙂

I’ve been waiting for this day for about a month now.  You might remember my having anxiety about one of my coworkers taking a two-week vacation and my having to cover her work.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind helping out in the least; however, it was the type of work that needed to be done on top of my own workload.

My coworker returned from her trip yesterday and I was feeling like only a shadow of myself.  My face looks gaunt and there are dark circles under my eyes.  I haven’t been able to take a lunch break in over two weeks and I’ve been staying late to finish things up.  There were many days I’d pass the lunch room on the way to the restroom and see some of my friends sitting around a table, laughing and eating their lunches.  I walked by in a hurry, waving as I passed the glass that encompasses the lunch room.  One of the girls mentioned to me yesterday that she had been worried about me.  She was wondering why I was chained to my desk and thought that I might just quit.

By yesterday I was literally hunching my back, due to stress that seems to congregate there, and didn’t even realize it was happening until a coworker called me out on it.  He also mentioned that I should get my coworker flowers for returning.  Ummmm….how about she should be getting me flowers for dealing with everything I’ve had to do.  He was only kidding, but I wasn’t really in the mood to hear it.  My own work was sliding and you know how I hate not performing at my best.

I thought that with my coworker’s return I would be out of work at 5PM on the dot.  That wasn’t the case yesterday though.  At 6:40PM I finally made my way out of the building relieved that I had made it to my long weekend.  Relieved until a text popped through from my boss telling me about a meeting that was to happen next Wednesday.  Um, great timing?  I guess I’ll just have to deal with it next week when I’m back in the office, but I know I’m going to be worrying about everything I have to do until then.

The thing that bothers me is that I seem to be everyone’s “go-to” person.  I cover the reception desk so the receptionist can have lunch, even though I don’t get to take my own break.  I cover other people when they’re out on maternity leave or vacation or they are just plain lazy and are passing the buck.  Yet, I’ll be out for two days and running my reports for that meeting Wednesday will wait for me to do until I return.

It is what it is, I guess, right?  I’ll be honest.  There was one day I was so overwhelmed at work that I was ready to just get up, walk out the door and not return.  The stress I have isn’t worth any of the return.  We’ll see what happens….

On a brighter note, I’m off today through the Labor Day holiday on Monday.  Yay!  There are lots of things that have been on the back-burner for me to write about and I’m hoping to get on here everyday until my return to the office.

As for now, I have a hungry man waiting to grab breakfast with me.  It’s a beautiful day here in NY.  I’m thinking that some coffee (much needed right now) and breakfast consumed outside while overlooking the water sounds perfect.

Wishing you a great day!

Kim

PS: A special hello to my sister’s coworker.  Thanks for reading! 🙂

Making My Way Through The Craziness

Friends!

How are you?!?! I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve been able to write more than a few words. 

Let me start off by saying that work is ABSOLUTELY CRAZY right now!  Yesterday started off with a tantrum at the house with Rob following me around like a puppy that was sad for its owner.  He gave me lots of hugs and then sent me on my way.  I pouted the entire drive with tears streaming down my cheeks.  More tears followed when a coworker stopped by my cubicle to see how I was doing.  I tried to be strong and say I was fine, but I’m a horrible liar and she saw right through me.  When she said, “you don’t seem fine” the tears started flowing again.  After a pep talk with her I was feeling a little better and got down to business.  

Have you ever been so overwhelmed by work that you’re almost paralyzed?  You don’t know where to even start?  That’s how I felt yesterday.  There are so many random projects I’m working on, but it’s more my coworker’s work that has me stressed.  I don’t mind working hard.  Not. One. Bit!  It’s more that there are so many unanswered questions with her work and I don’t know the background behind it in order to make the best judgement. 

I just have to breathe.  The 31st will be here soon enough and then I took September 1st & 2nd off to enjoy the long Labor Day weekend.  We might even take a trip somewhere so stay tuned. Fingers crossed for some great beach weather.  😉   

Anyway, it is what it is and I’m trying not to let it get to me.  The only thing that got me through yesterday was knowing that I planned something just for me at the end of the day.  I had another session with my trainer and let me tell you it was just what I needed!  I walked into the session like Debbie Downer and walked out with much higher spirits.  The sessions are only 30 minutes but they whip my ass!  We do a bunch of functional training and James also helps in stretching me out.  I feel like my posture has improved after only 3 sessions! 

I felt like I could have been a contestant on the Biggest Loser last night.  James had me whipping ropes, throwing balls, lifting kettle bells, using the TRX system, balancing on stability balls and using the rowing machine in-between.  For someone who has always felt like the strong girl in the gym, I sure felt like a weakling last night. 😉  My afternoon snack literally almost made its way back up, but I held it down.  After my session I had to lie down for about an hour before I could down anything.

I can honestly say that I could feel that I needed to eat more.  I think it was the first time that I realized how important it is to fuel yourself with enough good calories because of how I felt during the workout.  Everyone has been telling me to eat more, but this was the first time my body felt the damage of not eating enough.  I’m working on it, friends.  Today I brought extra food with me to do just that.  I added a protein shake between breakfast and lunch.  My stomach is still full, but I’m hoping that by the time I’m finished with desk coverage my belly will be hungry for lunch.  If not, I’m just going to add some higher calorie (healthy) foods into the mix. 

James told me to just try it for 2 weeks and see what happens.  He promises all good things and I’m willing to take the chance.  A little bit of fear sneaks in from time to time.  Fear that the extra calories will make me gain weight and all of my hard work will be for nothing.  My fear of gaining at this point in time is mostly because I have a bunch of fun events coming up in the near future.  My sister’s engagement party is next month and we’ll be going bridesmaid dress shopping in October.  I also have two weddings I’ll be attending this fall along with all of the fun things that surround weddings (bridal parties, bachelorette parties, etc). 

I know adding the calories is the answer to my problems though. I just have to have faith!  I mean, what damage could I really do in two weeks, right?  Rob’s response to me was, “You’ve been doing it your way for over a decade and you aren’t happy.  Why don’t you try someone elses way for a change?” You know what?  He’s right! 🙂

So, that’s the story, friends.  In 10 short minutes I’ll be sitting back at my desk, hidden behind piles of papers, spreadsheets and more folders than I know what to do with.  I’m going to try to catch up on some other blogs since I’ve been such a bad blog friend lately.

Have a great day!

Kim

Paralyzed

Hey There,

  How’s your weekend going?  Mine has been great so far.  It’s been a mix of working out, errands, housework and fun.  I know you don’t want to hear about my scrubbing the bathrooms or my 1 1/2 hour trip to the grocery store yesterday so we’ll just cover some of the fun.

Around 5 PM yesterday evening, Rob and I returned to home base from doing our dutiful chores and completing our Saturday agendas.  We were busy bees yesterday, folks.  Just seeing him walk up to the sliding glass back door brought a huge smile to my face.  He says that my eyes shine when I see him.  I believe it!  I love that man so much!

Anyway, enough of the mushy stuff!  We decided on a dinner and movie date night and hurriedly got cleaned up to go out.  We went to one of our favorite restaurants, La Bottega.  It’s simple, quick and right down the street from us.  I love their salads.  My usual go to is the Susan Salad:

“Susan Salad” 
Chicken cutlet, mixed greens, red onions, hot peppers, corn, gorgonzola, tomatoes and balsamic  

I swap the chicken cutlet with grilled chicken and the hot peppers with sweet roasted peppers and I’m a happy gal!

Rob usually gets some sort of soup.  He LOVES soup!  Then, it’s either a meatball parm panini or the spinaci salad with grilled chicken:

“Spinaci”
Baby spinach, ciabatta croutons, black olives, walnuts,
white mushrooms, goat cheese and balsamic dressing

I’m sure by now they already know what we’re ordering when they see us.  We sometimes order take out from them and I swear the girl knows my voice and what I’m going to say.  Hey, at least we’re easy.  😉

We ate until our bellies were happy and then headed out to the movies.  We had decided on X-Men First Class and were quite happy with our decision.

My butt felt numb with the way I slumped in my seat for the majority of the movie.  It was worth it though.

At that point it was still pretty early.  We made it home, got into comfy clothes, and retired to the bedroom to watch another movie before bed.  I forget the name of it now, but it was a little on the gruesome side.  All in all, it was a wonderful Saturday night!

Now, maybe it was the movie right before bed or maybe it’s things that have been weighing on my mind, but I woke up this morning feeling exhausted.  Rob gave me a hug and asked if I had a nightmare last night because I was yelling out in my sleep.  I feel like I’ve been having a lot of bad dreams lately.  I wake up an my jaw is clenched.  Since I don’t normally watch gruesome movies before bed I’m going to have to go with option B.  I’ve been under a lot of stress lately and I think it’s getting to me.  I feel PARALYZED!

Rob has an exciting day with his brother planned and I have a list of things I want to do.  However, I couldn’t get moving this morning.  I drove to the gym, hung out in the parking lot for about 5 minutes and then returned home.  I just didn’t have it in me.  I decided to brew some coffee and make a breakfast I haven’t had in ages.  I excitedly got the ingredients out to make my famous whole wheat blueberry pancakes. YUM!!

Stacked!

Can’t Wait!

Blueberries Gallore…

 
 
Side of Whites w/ Cracked Pepper, for my protein fix
 

Can’t Forget Joe…

I Look So Serious…It’s The Anxiety, I Tell Ya

I clearly must have hated it, finger licked syrup and all.

 
 
My home cooked, comfort food helped in easing my stomach and I don’t feel quite as paralyzed anymore.  I won’t lie.  The knot is still sitting right in the middle of my stomach.  I think it’s fear of the work week beginning again.
 
Now, I’m going to clean my mess up and head out to pamper myself a bit.  I’m thinking maybe a mani/pedi will do the trick.  I also want to get that workout in that I held out on this morning.
 
I hope you’re having a great weekend!
 
Kim

Knots in My Stomach

Happy Friday!

I can’t wait to do the Friday Happy Dance when the whistle blows at 5 tonight.  I am SO READY to start the weekend.  I would say that I woke up doing the happy dance, just knowing that today is Friday, but I can’t lie.  I woke up this morning with a knot in my stomach.  I believe the knot is there because I am a perfectionist. 

Perfectionist

-noun

1.  a person who adheres to or believes in perfectionism.

2. a person who demands perfection of himself, herself, or others

-adjective

3. of, pertaining to, or distinguished by perfection or perfectionism

The knot has slowly been growing with my work load and feeling like I might let something slip through the cracks here.  I question my skills and abilities to perform my best.  I worry that something major will go wrong because of something I’ve done or have forgotten to do.  At the rate this is going I’m going to end up with an ulcer!  There have been a few days this week where I sat at my desk with tears forming in my eyes.  I didn’t let them slip down my cheek, but they were there.  I’m feeling overwhelmed.

I woke up this morning and the first thing I said to Rob was “I don’t want to go.”  He said that he didn’t either. LOL.  I guess we all feel that way at times, huh?  I dragged my feet to the bathroom to take a shower, got ready, got hugs from Rob, told him again that I didn’t want to go and then was out the door, sipping my protein shake as I went.

The thing is, I do love it here.  I love the sense of accomplishment and the people who I work with.  I need to work on my coping skills otherwise I know this won’t be good. 

Want to know the truth?  I ended up having an eating problem the other night, after SO MANY weeks of no binges, because of my stress level.  It was a way to just zone out and not worry for a few minutes.  It, by far, was not as bad as binges from the past, but it still was a binge which isn’t healthy (mentally or physically).

Anyway….plans for the weekend?  Nothing set in stone just yet.  I’m hoping for a relaxing night at home tonight.  Tomorrow, if there’s enough wind, I’ll have my first kite-boarding lesson of the season.  If I don’t post by Monday someone come looking for me.  I might have been blown away!  😉

Rob has plans with his brother on Sunday and I might possibly make a drive to CT to see my mom.  I miss her so much!  There’s so much to do at the house though (groceries, cleaning, laundry, etc).  I know it’ll be weighing on my mind and I won’t fully be able to enjoy myself.  I never made it to the store last weekend, so we basically just have drinks in the fridge right now.  I definitely have to make a grocery run!

I also foresee a sweaty gym sesh in my future.  I think it will help in fighting the stress and make me feel a lil better.  I’m going to see if one of the trainers can take my body fat for me.  I weigh 10 lbs more than my happy weight right now, but I’m fitting in pants that I used to wear at that weight, so my body composition must have changed.  Yay for lifting and eating right!

Ok, time to get back to work.  I just wanted to pop in, get the anxiety off of my chest AND to say hello to you, of course!

Wishing you a speedy Friday and a Fab Weekend! 🙂

Kim