Remembering What’s Important

Hellloooooo!   Anyone still reading?

I can’t believe it’s been over a month since my last post!  The last anyone had heard from me, I had started training for a fitness competition.  Stepping on stage has been a dream of mine for over a decade.  I mean, who doesn’t dream about stepping on stage wearing nothing but a bikini and a set of clear, high heels?  Anyone?  Anyone??  Surely, the girl who ran off stage during her ballet recital when she couldn’t find her family in the audience, at the tender age of 6, would want to do it all over again, except this time half-naked.  It totally makes sense for the girl who hates standing in front of a room fully clothed to gallivant on stage for the entire world audience to see any imperfection, right?  Well, for whatever reason, I’ve had the itch to compete in a show for years.

I thought the time was finally right for me.  I found a great coach and started training.  I was seeing noticeable improvements from week to week, sometimes even daily.  I ate my planned and pre-packed meals in the middle of car rides with my boyfriend and special events with family.  I was waking up ridiculously early, even on weekends, to fit in all of my training.   This is what you must do if you want to compete.  If it’s truly your dream you’ll make it happen, I kept telling myself.

In this same span of time work was becoming absolutely nutzo.  By the end of my very long days I was extremely irritable.  Poor Rob was walking on egg shells, especially when I almost ripped his head off one night when I couldn’t find my precious rice cakes.  RICE CAKES!  Not even the yummy flavored ones; rather the plain, tasteless ones, because they have less carbs.  If you knew me you’d know how so completely out of my nature it is for me to speak louder than barely more than a whisper.  Between being abused (not physically) at work and the demands of training I was turning into someone I really didn’t like.  I became highly stressed and with stress I fall back to old habits. 

We all know what this bad habit of mine is, right?  My eating disorder (we’ll call it ED), which I’ve been battling since college.  I thought I had gotten past it, but ED quickly reared his ugly head when all of the stress overwhelmed me.  I then began swimming in a sea of depression and shame, along with the stress that had overtaken my life.  Rob came home to me one night just sitting in bed, staring at a blank tv screen with tears streaming down my cheeks.  Something had to change!

So, after weeks of this depression and many tears being shed silently, a random text of love from my mother and then a call to her the next day became a turning point for me.  Mothers are good like that, aren’t they?  Somehow, they can make just about anything better.  I let my struggles all out to her, as I sat in my car, parked outside of the gym.  The night before I had pulled all of my old nutrition, diet and cookbooks out from the attic and sat utterly confused with them surrounding me.  I didn’t know how to break the cycle.  What made me panic even more is my sister’s upcoming wedding.  It wasn’t only having to fit into the maid of honor dress, but also the fact that I didn’t want to be Debbie Downer at every special moment along the way for her.

After the talk with my mom, I wiped the tears from my face with a new sense of confidence in myself.  I walked into the gym to work out, but not to do the workout that I had originally planned for myself.  This time I was walking into the gym to work out for good health, not to hit 15% body fat or to wear a bikini on stage.  Life is so much more than the hours you put into the gym or eating perfectly clean every day!

I had burrowed so deep into all of the negatives that I forgot about all of the positive things in my life.  I even forgot the reason I started to blog and what my blog really meant to me.  We all know I’m a perfectionist.  When I’m not “perfect” at something I see myself as a failure.  I don’t look at others in that same light.  To my friends, family and even strangers I am very forgiving.  I am my very own worst critic.  For almost a lifetime I allowed the need to be perfect to dictate how I lived my life.  For as long as I can remember, my weight had been a focal point for me.  I thought that if I could just get that part of my life right everything else would fall into place.  I would be happy.  We all know that isn’t the case though, right?

When did just living a healthy life become not good enough, in my eyes?  Why go to extremes that are unmanageable and only cause unnecessary stress?  I don’t know why, when or how I got to the point that I did.  Maybe it was wanting to give the royal “F-You! Look what became of me!” to the bullies that tormented me throughout my school years.  Do they even matter now?  Will it change the torture they put me through?  The answer to both questions is obviously NO”.  Is it trying to prove something to the father who never made me feel good enough growing up?  The same father who left our family and my mom holding the bag to take care of their five children?  Possibly.  Somehow, he’d find a way to diminish the accomplishment, even if I won the entire competition.  That’s just how he rolls.

I started my blog because I knew there were others out there going through the same issues as myself.  I wanted to take a step back, look at my life and all of the good things that fill it and not focus on trying to be “perfect”.  I mean, what is perfect anyway?  Even when you see someone who looks completely put together, you never know what issues they might be facing beneath their smile.  The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

I wanted to fulfill all areas of my life and start truly living because I spent way too many years sidelined by ED.

It’s taken me a long time, my friends, but I see that balance, not perfection, is where it is at.  If you strive to eat healthy most of the time, get a few good sweat sessions in to get the ol’ ticker working, and lift some iron you’ll be able to fully enjoy the treats you allow yourself some of the time. 

Most importantly, this should only be a small part of your focus in life.  Family, friends, love, laughter and new experiences are really what life is all about. 

Perfection doesn’t equal happiness.  Many times striving for it leads to more frustration and demise than anything else.  Try living life imperfectly and you’ll find that it is absolutely perfect as is.  I’m so glad that I am back on track and remember what’s truly important.

Happy Friday!

Kim

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Making The Effort to Let Go & Release Control

Hey There,

We made it to the mid-week hump!  Still moving like molasses here, but at least there are less days remaining to the work week than those that need to be worked.  Another plus?  This is a long weekend for me with our office being closed on Monday. Hurray!

This is only my second day of blogging from my car and I can already tell you that it’s been a great outlet for me.  Stepping away from that desk of mine and the craziness inside the office does a world of good.  I feel like a load is lifted off of my shoulders.

Right before I headed out here I received an e-mail from a coworker that annoyed me.  Steam blew through my ears, I vented to a coworker friend of mine and told her “With that I’m off to my car!”  She laughed and told me to run.

I have to say, if not for anything I’ve made two true friends while working here.  I’ve also picked up a lot of knowledge for future use, if you get what I mean.  The friendships are most important to me though.  Those two friends have gotten me through many tough days.  Then, they’d send me off to Rob, who they knew would help in mending the wounds of the day.

Anyway, I couldn’t sleep last night.  If you follow me on twitter you know that I got an iPhone 4s yesterday.  Between the excitement of setting it up and also drinking a Starbucks’ Venti  Awake tea an hour before bedtime (smart, right?) my eyes just wouldn’t close.  I gave Rob a kiss (he was already out of it) and headed back to the living room to watch a few shows I had saved on the DVR (The Vampire Diaries & The Secret Circle, if you must know.)

Yes, I’m a wannabe teenager. 😉  I love The Vampire Diaries, but I’m not sure how I’m feeling about The Secret Circle right now.  Time will tell though.

Close to 2 AM my eyelids started drooping.  At this point my stomach was feeling off.  I slept on and off until 5:45 AM, when my alarm sounded to get up for my training session at the gym.  I SO didn’t feel like getting up, but I did.  The trainer ended up being late AGAIN!  I think he knows I’m getting tired of it.

People tend to take advantage of my kindness, but if you push me to a certain point you don’t even know what’s coming at you.  The wrath of Kim.  I think the roll of my eyes this morning gave him an inkling that I’m nearing the end of my rope.  Anyway, whenever he does show we have a great session and this didn’t disappoint.  I walked out feeling like I’d gotten something accomplished before my day truly got started.

Today, I wanted to touch upon a little something I mentioned yesterday.  I quickly stated that I had no resolutions regarding weight loss and that’s true.  I don’t remember a year where weight loss hasn’t been a goal of mine.  Honestly, I’m in a good place right now with my weight.  Would I be happy if I lost a pound or two?  I’m not going to lie, I would, but I’m not focusing on it.

After so many years of abusing my body and mentally draining myself with calculations and macronutrient counts I realized that I was just plain over it.  To focus so long and hard on something and have it get me nowhere just isn’t worth it.  I know I’ve said it before, but I’m my own worst enemy.  I’m my own worst critic, as well.

So, I decided about a month ago that I wasn’t going to let this defeat me any longer.  I had to make the effort to let go & release control.  I joined Weight Watchers online because I felt like it would allow me to feel safe with my eating while learning balance and moderation.  I’ve gone to such extremes in the past that I rarely ever enjoy food.  I don’t remember what many things taste like (because I made them off-limits to myself) and going to restaurants or other people’s houses became be traumatic events for me.  I don’t want this for myself, Rob, my family or my future children.  I want to live in the moment, enjoy life and maybe even enjoy a piece of cake if I so choose.

Mmm....Cake

I want to be able to share an ice cream cone with Rob on a random Sunday, after a day of boating.

Usually, I’m the person in the group saying that they’ll only have an iced coffee or something calorie free.  We only get one life and we should enjoy special moments.

The point is, I needed my mind to be clear from the restrictions I inflicted on it.  I tend to eat mostly healthy as it is, but if I choose to enjoy a special treat every so often I should be able to….WITHOUT guilt.  Weight Watchers has been great for me and I look forward to defeating my eating issues by continuing with it.

Errr….it’s about that time again.  Time to head back inside for a few more hours.  You can bet I’ll be racing out as quickly as possible to make it home and spend some cuddle time with my man. 🙂

I hope you’re having a good day!


Kim

What steps you’re taking to work on issues you deal with?

Would you like to see some of my typical daily eats?

I want to know.  Let me hear from you. 🙂

Making My Way Through The Craziness

Friends!

How are you?!?! I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve been able to write more than a few words. 

Let me start off by saying that work is ABSOLUTELY CRAZY right now!  Yesterday started off with a tantrum at the house with Rob following me around like a puppy that was sad for its owner.  He gave me lots of hugs and then sent me on my way.  I pouted the entire drive with tears streaming down my cheeks.  More tears followed when a coworker stopped by my cubicle to see how I was doing.  I tried to be strong and say I was fine, but I’m a horrible liar and she saw right through me.  When she said, “you don’t seem fine” the tears started flowing again.  After a pep talk with her I was feeling a little better and got down to business.  

Have you ever been so overwhelmed by work that you’re almost paralyzed?  You don’t know where to even start?  That’s how I felt yesterday.  There are so many random projects I’m working on, but it’s more my coworker’s work that has me stressed.  I don’t mind working hard.  Not. One. Bit!  It’s more that there are so many unanswered questions with her work and I don’t know the background behind it in order to make the best judgement. 

I just have to breathe.  The 31st will be here soon enough and then I took September 1st & 2nd off to enjoy the long Labor Day weekend.  We might even take a trip somewhere so stay tuned. Fingers crossed for some great beach weather.  😉   

Anyway, it is what it is and I’m trying not to let it get to me.  The only thing that got me through yesterday was knowing that I planned something just for me at the end of the day.  I had another session with my trainer and let me tell you it was just what I needed!  I walked into the session like Debbie Downer and walked out with much higher spirits.  The sessions are only 30 minutes but they whip my ass!  We do a bunch of functional training and James also helps in stretching me out.  I feel like my posture has improved after only 3 sessions! 

I felt like I could have been a contestant on the Biggest Loser last night.  James had me whipping ropes, throwing balls, lifting kettle bells, using the TRX system, balancing on stability balls and using the rowing machine in-between.  For someone who has always felt like the strong girl in the gym, I sure felt like a weakling last night. 😉  My afternoon snack literally almost made its way back up, but I held it down.  After my session I had to lie down for about an hour before I could down anything.

I can honestly say that I could feel that I needed to eat more.  I think it was the first time that I realized how important it is to fuel yourself with enough good calories because of how I felt during the workout.  Everyone has been telling me to eat more, but this was the first time my body felt the damage of not eating enough.  I’m working on it, friends.  Today I brought extra food with me to do just that.  I added a protein shake between breakfast and lunch.  My stomach is still full, but I’m hoping that by the time I’m finished with desk coverage my belly will be hungry for lunch.  If not, I’m just going to add some higher calorie (healthy) foods into the mix. 

James told me to just try it for 2 weeks and see what happens.  He promises all good things and I’m willing to take the chance.  A little bit of fear sneaks in from time to time.  Fear that the extra calories will make me gain weight and all of my hard work will be for nothing.  My fear of gaining at this point in time is mostly because I have a bunch of fun events coming up in the near future.  My sister’s engagement party is next month and we’ll be going bridesmaid dress shopping in October.  I also have two weddings I’ll be attending this fall along with all of the fun things that surround weddings (bridal parties, bachelorette parties, etc). 

I know adding the calories is the answer to my problems though. I just have to have faith!  I mean, what damage could I really do in two weeks, right?  Rob’s response to me was, “You’ve been doing it your way for over a decade and you aren’t happy.  Why don’t you try someone elses way for a change?” You know what?  He’s right! 🙂

So, that’s the story, friends.  In 10 short minutes I’ll be sitting back at my desk, hidden behind piles of papers, spreadsheets and more folders than I know what to do with.  I’m going to try to catch up on some other blogs since I’ve been such a bad blog friend lately.

Have a great day!

Kim

One Size Doesn’t Fit All

Hey There!

  How’s this Tuesday treating you?  Mine has been pretty good so far, but anxiety is starting to set in.  Remember a few weeks back when I mentioned I’d be covering for a coworker while she’s in Italy for 2 weeks?  Well, the time has come my friends.  She leaves tomorrow afternoon and will return on the 30th.

It isn’t that I mind the extra work.  In fact, not one bit.  It’s more that I’m nervous about making a mistake.  You know, me and that perfectionist tendency of mine. 😉  The past 2 days coworkers have commented about my facial expression here.  They’re asking if I’m ok. Haha.  I don’t mean to wear my feelings on my face.  Usually, I’m able to pretty easily hide fear/sadness/anger with a smile.  I guess I’m really letting this get to me and I have to stop.  I know that I’m capable and I would never knowingly let something fall through the cracks.  I’m going to take it one step at a time and after the two weeks are over with I’ll have even more skills to add to my ever-growing resume.

Now that I got the worry off of my shoulders let’s take a look at some positive things.  Rob and I are really in cleaning mode.  We tackled a few more tasks last night, which ended with more closet space for yours truly.  Believe me, I need it!  I had winter jackets taking up an entire corner of the guest room.  Now, they’re all neatly hung and out of the way.  I can’t tell you how much better that makes me feel.

I started, Catching Fire, the 2nd book in the Hunger Games trilogy last night. 

From the first sentence, I fell right back into the pace of Suzanne Collins’ writing style and immersed myself back into the life of Katniss Everdeen.  I only tore myself away from my kindle when it was time for lights out.

Only two short (I hope) hours to go and I’ll be on my way home.  It’s my boss’ birthday tomorrow and I’m hoping to whip up some cupcakes to bring in for him.  I also need to get decent sleep since I have my first full training session tomorrow.  I’m excited!  🙂

I sent my trainer a food log for the past few days and also went more into depth with my eating/weight history.  I’m trying to determine if I will buy a pack of sessions with him and that will all depend on how much effort he puts into me.  I don’t want a one size fits all program.  I want one specific to my own needs and from what I learned last Friday it seems like that’s exactly what I’m going to get.

I didn’t speak about this on the blog, but recently I tried to go the online training route. Even though I explained the issues that I had/have they didn’t want to budge with their system.  I knew the program would only result in binge issues down the road.  In fact, I did have a major problem one weekend when Rob was away and I told myself “NO MORE”.  My health is more important to me than trying to live with a certain program just because others are and I am no longer going to subject myself to things that I know aren’t the right fit.  I beat myself up for not being as strong-willed as I would have liked, but then I allowed myself to move on.  No one program is right for everyone.  I’ve tried this program a number of times (I’m very persistent)and it ends up horribly for me each time.  So, I’m finally listening to my inner voice and finding what WILL work for me. 

We are each unique. Never belittle yourself for not being able to do something the way another person is able to.  One size doesn’t fit all.  Find what works for YOU!

That’s all folks!  Time to get back to my work.

  • Do you have any fabulous cupcake recipes to share?  I’m trying to decide what to make for my boss.
  • Have you ever found yourself in a situation where something that seemed to work for others didn’t work for you?  What route did you end up taking to reach your goal?

I look forward to hearing from you! 🙂

Kim

I’ll Never Quit

Hi Friends!

  We have some major meetings being held in our office this week with many of our off site coworkers in attendance.  There has been a build up of both excitement and chaos in the air and people are working in what seems to be double time in order to keep up. 

Every quarter we have a company-wide meeting to review the past quarter and set goals for the next.  I love that our company does this.  It sets everyone on the same page and unites us in working toward the same goals.

I have to say, I feel lucky to be working here.  We work hard, but the company does such nice things to reward people for their extra efforts.  I’ve also learned quite a bit since starting here in April, which I always appreciate.  I think it’s important to keep the old noggin challenged, ya know?

With everything going on at work, Rob being away, lack of sleep and the start of a new lifestyle plan (nutrition and exercise) I knew the inevitable was bound to happen.  I just didn’t know when.  I found out on Saturday though.

I always told myself that I would be upfront and honest on my blog.  I don’t want to sugar coat my struggles with my eating disorder in any way, because I know there are others going through the exact same thing.  I don’t want you to think that one day I was having problems and they magically disappeared overnight (even though I wish I could say that).

Whenever I don’t quite know what to do with my eating I tend to lean towards not eating enough.  Without fail, this ends up hurting me over time, because there’s only so much we can put our bodies through before they rebel, which mine did.

I won’t go into much detail, but I will say that over the past 3 days I’ve had some binge issues.  I felt it coming on over the past week.  I was so hungry, yet I wouldn’t listen to my body.  I went by the numbers I was calculating rather than how my body felt.  In the end, my body screamed out to me for help, resulting in the binges and complete disappointment in myself. 

I was doing so good before this past weekend. It had been months since my last problem.  I find that this happens when I try to go to extremes with my body and this served as a reminder to be kind to myself and to truly listen to what my body needs instead of what’s on a sheet of paper.

Rob and I have a great relationship.  Even when I’m embarrassed and/or disappointed in myself it’s easy for me to let him know when I’ve had a problem.  Sunday I text him that I wished I could just be normal.  He responded that he wouldn’t love me that way. LOL.  Have I mentioned how much I love that man?  LOTS!

Being with Rob has shown me how important it is to fill my life with things that I’m interested in and with good people.  For so long if someone asked me what I wanted to do or what I liked my response would be either “I don’t know” or “I don’t care”.  He doesn’t allow me to get away with those answers anymore.  He knows that it’s important for me to voice my opinion and be happy with the things going on in my life.

I’m happy to say that I’ve made steps in the right direction with that.  Blogging is one of those things that help in fulfilling me.  It’s been a way to get things weighing me down off of my shoulders and also a way to meet like-minded people.  I have so many other passions that I would like to pursue and I’m on my way to going after each and every one! 

Filling my life with good things and speaking up have definitely played a huge role in helping me beat my eating disorder.  There’s just one piece of the puzzle left.  That piece has to do with my nutrition.   Whenever the little devil on my shoulder whispers to me that I could shave off a few calories here or there I’m going to fight back…..before my body does it for me.

Time to get back up, brush myself off and get moving in the right direction again.  One thing is for sure, no matter how many times I fall, I will never quit. 

Sorry this post was kind of choppy.  Just a lot on my mind right now.  I hope this Tuesday has been a Terrific one for you!

Kim

Tug-of-War

Hi Friends!

Happy Friday to you!!  I can’t begin to tell you how happy I am that only 6 ½ hours are separating me from the weekend.  🙂

The week actually flew by.  I felt very productive and MUCH better than I did last week.  Even though the bug was on its way out it was time for my monthly friend (we’ll call her Sally) to pay a visit, which absolutely drained me. 

As I get older my symptoms seem to get worse and worse.  I used to think people were joking when they spoke about PMS.  One of my roommates in college would have to lay in her bed, gathered up in a ball for the first few days.  My symptoms were always very mild….until a couple of years ago.  With all the crying you hear me speaking about you know I’m an emotional person, but the week before and during my friend my emotions are heightened 10 fold.  This time, I have been very calm, but the exhaustion is really getting to me.  Last night, all I could do was lay down when I got home from work.  One look at me and Rob said that we would just order in.  He knows how it affects me.  It probably doesn’t help that I have low iron in general, which we found out after some blood work last week.

So, we each enjoyed our favorite salads from our favorite go-to restaurant while watching tv.  I spent the remainder of the night falling in and out of sleep as I was cuddled up to Rob watching our shows.  I can’t wait for Sally to be on her way.  I haven’t had energy in almost two weeks now.  I’m ready to be back to normal!

Aside from all that, this week has actually been a good one.  My work load has been pretty tame (knock on wood) and I was able to take my lunch break a few times this week (always a good thing).  My position here allows me to dabble in a bunch of different types of projects, which keeps my mind busy on positive things and also helps in building my skills. 

Unfortunately, my mind has been working overtime and I’ve been having some issues with ED mentality lately.  I’ve been calculating a lot and focusing more on calories and food than I should be.  I mentioned it to Rob last night and I don’t think he quite understood what I meant, even though he was very sincere and gave me thoughtful answers.  I was also half asleep when I was telling him, so things might not have been expressed as clearly as I would have liked.  I’m thinking about possibly seeing a nutritionist to see if that might help.  There always seems to be an inner struggle with me and ED.  Sometimes it’s an easy win for me and others it’s an all out TUG-of-WAR. 

I’m determined to win in the end though!

Even with my mental struggle this week, there was actually a moment as I was walking down one of the corridors at work that I felt a moment at peace.  I shut my eyes for that split second and know that I smiled.  I’m not quite sure what brought it on, but I was feeling thankful for all of the good in my life.  I work for a great company amongst some friendly & sincere people, I have a wonderful family (with a mother I cherish), and the best boyfriend (who loves & supports me….my partner).  For whatever reason, at that moment it all hit me and it was powerful enough for me to close my eyes, smile and relish the moment.  Luckily for me there was no one else in the hallway at that time. 😉

Those good things are what I have to keep at the forefront of my mind.  Those are the things that will matter when I’m old and gray, sitting on a porch swing somewhere, one day.  I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

Ok, I best be getting back to work.  I hope this Friday goes quickly for you and that the weekend brings you only wonderful things!

Kim