Hey Guys! Hope your Saturday is treating you well, so far! It’s a beautiful day here, in CT. I can’t wait to get out into that sunshine!! Before I do, I figured I should explain how I came up with the name of my blog.
If there were a picture of a perfectionist in the dictionary my goofy mug would be plastered there. For so many years (most of my life), I’ve let my perfectionism get in the way of reaching my goals. If I didn’t quite like how I looked I wouldn’t go to an event. Heck, I even stopped going to school for a semester because I didn’t want others to see me. Even if I’m writing a simple note on a post-it and I don’t like the way my handwriting looks the post-it goes in the trash and i try again…..until it is “just right”. Sometimes I see how silly my thoughts are and I give myself a kick in the tush to stop the insanity, but other times it definitely does get the best of me. My perfectionism has held me back from so many experiences. In fact, I feel that I lost most of my 20s to it. I have many regrets, but I do know that I can change this. I don’t need to look back on my 30s and feel the same way.
Where did this all start for me? I believe it started in childhood. My dad is all about image and I most definitely didn’t fit his “ideal” image, at that time. That could be in my head, but that’s the way that he made me feel. I never felt that I was quite good enough for him. It always seemed that he had me on some diet or another. I felt that he spent more attention on my friends, than me. Heck, even when I weighed 90lbs and decided I was going to have fried rice for dinner one night he said, “You know, you should be having brown rice.” I think my mother killed him a hundred times that night, with the look of death from across the dinner table. So, feeling that I didn’t meet his ideal image, my perfectionism spread to other areas like my school work and other things that I could “control”. If I couldn’t perform a task in a manner that I considered perfect I would stop or not try at all. If my eating wasn’t perfect, on a given day, I would sometimes go on a downward spiral with a binge…feeling even worse for it, in the end.
I think that we all see ourselves differently than the way the outside world does. I had people at my last company tell me that they are happy when they see that I am. They would walk by my desk when they were having a bad day because I made them feel better, just from my smiling at them. People comment on my looks and I sometimes shrug those comments off even though they secretly make me feel good. What matters most to me is what people see in my heart. It’s a big one and I wear it right out on that sleeve of mine. Looks will come and go, but I’ll always have my heart. I’ve finally realized that I have to cut myself a break. We only have one life and I want to make the most of what’s left of mine. None of us is perfect, but we are our perfect selves, imperfections and all.
Since I spent so much time over the past few decades beating myself up for what I felt I wasn’t, I missed out on many experiences. At times, I’m still trying to find myself. My mind used to be consumed by the number on the scale or the calories that I was eating, instead of on more meaningful things. I saw writing this blog as an opportunity to let my creative juices flow. I want to travel (haven’t been on vacation in over 12 years and have NEVER been out of the country), I want to meet new people, I want to learn new things (photography, wine, decorating, etc), I want to do some volunteer work and maybe even make a difference in someone’s life because they can relate to me and know that they aren’t alone.
Be back later with a recap of my day! Hope you enjoy yours!!