Stressing & Dreaming

Hi Friends!

We’re over the hump and into the tail end of the week.  Hallelujah!

I’ve been extremely stressed lately with things at work and the usual stressors that most of us face.  I can tell ya that stress doesn’t do this body good.  I panic.  I linger over the things that I don’t have any control over.  I become depressed.  I know there are other ways to deal with stress more positively and I’m working on them.  There are certain things within my grasp that I know will make me happy (or at least I think they will), but due to certain factors like finances they slip through my fingers.

Stressors aside, life is good.  I couldn’t ask for better people in my life.  I’m healthy and what do you really have without your health and people who love you?  These are the things I have to remind myself of when I’m down.

I know you all know my dreams of doing something with nutrition and/or baking.  They continue to be goals of mine and I’m taking steps to make it happen.  They might be teeny tiny steps, but at least I’m moving forward.  There’s one dream I don’t think I’ve shared with you yet though….

Around the time I reached my lowest weight while suffering from my eating disorder, I was in the grocery store with my mom and my eyes spotted a Muscle & Fitness magazine.  This was before the days where fitness magazines focusing on women lined the shelves.  The magazine was geared more towards men reaching their fitness goals, but the woman on the cover caught my attention.  She was athletic  looking.  Slender, but with apparent muscle. She looked healthy which I knew I looked the opposite of.  At that point, I was like a sack of bones.  The moment I saw the magazine I KNEW that I had to change and that her figure was really my ideal.

Things didn’t magically change after getting my hands on that copy of Muscle & Fitness.  This has been a long journey and I’ve struggled to be healthy for years.  Am I much better than I was that day?  Yes, sure am.  Am I cured of my struggles?  No, but I fight them and will never give up.

I mention the magazine and what my ideal became because EVER SINCE THAT DAY I’ve wanted to compete in a figure show.  I’ve tried a few times to work towards getting on stage.  The nutrition always threw me because of my disordered eating mentality.  I knew when to back off because I didn’t want to travel further down any bad roads again.  Over the years my weight has fluctuated, but I’ve never been back at my highest or lowest weights again, fortunately.

Recently, a coach reached out to me.  When I disappeared on her, she didn’t just let me drift away, like a leaf in the wind.

She pulled me back and questioned what was going on.  It was at that time that I questioned things myself and turned a “no” into a “yes”.

I can feel it in my bones that THIS is the time.

My thinking has changed.  I’m not just looking to lose weight or fit into a certain size.  This time, I’m working to just be healthy.  Over the years, I’ve done so much to my body.  I thought that my metabolism was shot and that I’d never be able to eat more than 1200-ish calories.  I was wrong.  We’re working on repairing this poor body of mine and getting me far down the road to good health.

While I tend to make my life much more difficult than it needs to be, I can see how I can make this a lifestyle for life, through compromise on both our parts (my coach and me).  She switched things up to meet my needs and I need to let her “control the bus a little” (as she says).

Friends, I’m going to do it this time.  This is one dream I know I can make a reality.  No matter what else is going on in my life this is something that not many other factors have control over other than the hard work I need to put in.  Obviously, if my body can’t handle it or something seems like it will trigger me I will stop or see what we can do to make changes that won’t trigger me.

It’s funny because I’m so shy in person.  My mom says that stepping on stage, in a bikini of all things, is so not like me.  I think that everyone I know will have jaws on the floor when I reach this goal.  It isn’t because they don’t believe in me, but just that it’s so unlike me to be center stage.  It’s been a goal for so long though and I just can’t seem to let it go.  I think that I will kick myself years from now if I don’t at least give it a fair shot.

So, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it! 😉  Now, I’m looking to you to keep me accountable.

I still have to figure out a goal date, but will know that in the very near future.  My first goal date won’t necessarily be to step on stage.  Rather, I’d like to see what my body can do and actually visit a show in person to take everything in.  We’ll set a target date to see how my body responds to different things and then go from there.

I’m going to work on keeping you updated daily on certain things (like hitting certain targets), but haven’t figured out exactly what targets just yet.  I’ll still keep you up to date on my random adventures and thoughts.  Fitness will just take up a little more space on the blog.  What do you think?

I’ll leave you with that for now and fill you in as I know more.

Have a great day!

Kim

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8 thoughts on “Stressing & Dreaming

    • Thanks, Lisa! We’ll see what happens. I’m trying to do it in the healthiest way that I can. Right now I’m working on trying to get more calories in, which is difficult mentally but also physically because my stomach has shrunk over the years.

    • My boyfriend says the same thing. He started kiteboarding last summer and from that point on he realized the importance of fueling himself for energy. Most of my eating problems stem from not eating enough over an extended period of time. Eventually, my body doesn’t want to take it anymore. I am my own worst enemy, at times. Thank you for stopping by! Proud of you with your own goals. 🙂

  1. I think your goal of competing is amazing, and you have a huge support system in your Savage Sistas’ that you can always tap into when you need it! If you haven’t gone to a camp already, I wholeheartedly suggest you attend one as soon as you can. I went this past weekend and I can’t even begin to tell you what a life changing experience it was.

    If you ever want to get together for a workout or a healthy meal, you know where to find me! Lots of love!

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