A Weight Has Been Lifted

Happy Friday, Peeps!

Are you doing the Friday happy dance yet?  It turns out that yesterday ended up being my Friday.  My office can be pretty lax and with the snowy weather hitting us today I was told that I didn’t have to go in.  I most definitely didn’t argue about that. Snow day for me!  That’s the 2nd one in two weeks!! 🙂  Unlike my last job, my coworkers who have power are very understanding and down to earth.  As long as we get our work done they don’t mind us taking a longer break, coming in a little late or leaving early.  I can see them cracking down if people started to take advantage of it, but no one does and it just works for us.

As I mentioned in a more recent post, life has been very rollercoaster like for me.  My lows have been extreme lows lately.  I cry myself to sleep hugging my teddy bear (my first stuffed animal).  Unfortunately, I have more of these nights than not lately and I didn’t know what was going on with me.   A little over a month ago I started seeing my therapist again.  Last night I had a major break through.  I can’t even tell you the feeling of relief I have.  I feel like a weight that I’ve carried on my shoulders for almost 30 years has been lifted.

I’m a pretty shy and passive person.  I’ve always tried to take the path of least resistance, hoping to make everyone’s lives easier.  After a few sessions with my therapist, a lot of reflective thought and some deep conversations with my boyfriend I realized that for most of my life I’ve felt disregarded and not good enough.  I always felt like I was working to gain approval, especially from my dad.  I felt that my opinion, likes, feelings just didn’t matter.  There were times that I would be in the middle of a conversation, someone would interrupt on a completely different topic, focus would be brought to them and it was like I had never been speaking at all.  So, instead of making my opinion/feelings known to others I started to just hold things inside.  After I mentioned this to my therapist she told me, “because you suppressed your voice your eating disorder became your voice.”  As soon as she made that statement it all clicked.  I’m not upset at anyone for the way things were handled in the past, but I am so (SO) relieved to know how I got to the point that I’m at today.  Now, I FINALLY feel like I can move forward.  I feel like this eating disorder won’t be eating at my livelihood anymore.  Sure, there are going to be slip-ups.  I just need to learn how to cope with situations better and make my voice heard, because I AM IMPORTANT and DESERVE IT

So, my friends, I’m now going to cozy up with a mug of tea and a good book.  I drove down to Long Island this morning so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the snow later on.  My boyfriend is still at work and I’m thinking I might whip up a special dinner for when he arrives home.

Wishing you a speedy work day and a wonderful weekend!

Kim

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4 thoughts on “A Weight Has Been Lifted

  1. Oh. My. Goodness.

    It’s like you read my biography and repeated it. Word for word.

    Kim, I can’t even BEGIN to explain how much I can relate to the way you feel about all of this. Especially the Dad bit. You’ve read about mine, I know, and man…this is why we’re “twins”. I’m so glad that you figured out the underlying issue…and can begin to heal. I know this is exactly the same reason I have done what I have done in the past, and continue to slip up about. Whenever I’m alone, feeling unheard, or feeling like I’m “stupid”…I do it. I try to ignore it and it works sometimes, but yeah. You know how it goes.

    God Bless therapists. ❤ And friends. ❤

  2. Sending you a hug from afar. {{HUG}}

    The other night I was trying to explain my feelings to my dad. He didn’t understand why I don’t see myself the way everyone else does. I told him that I wish I had been made to feel that way when I was younger and maybe I would see it now. Later, he asked me what I meant. I brought up being teased by other kids, which I never told my parents about except for one time when I was physically pushed down. I then went on to tell him how always being put on a diet from elementary school on didn’t help. Wouldn’t you know he just started talking about bullies and how it’s all over the news now. That was very typical of him. He totally disregarded the part that he played in the situation.

    Normally, I would let it slide, but this time I stuck it to him. The only reason I mentioned the bullying first was because I didn’t just want to be pointing a finger, but he also needed to take ownership for his role. He said that he was only trying to help and I 100% believe that. I KNOW that everything my parents did was to try to help, never to hurt me. They thought what they were doing was best.

    I then reminded him of a situation that happened when I was only 90lbs (eating only 400 calories/day). We were having Chinese food for dinner and I chose to have fried rice. He dared to say that I should have been eating the white rice. If my mother’s look could have killed him from across the dinner table it would have. Really? I mean REALLY?!?! Should he not have been happy that I was eating anything at all???? He says he doesn’t remember that, which is very typical. I just wanted him to know that everything I did growing up was to try to please him. I never felt good enough. When I was fat he wanted me thin. When I lost weight (to a healthy weight) I was put on weight gainers shakes. No wonder I’m screwed up. LOL.

    He tried to move on by saying that I have so much good in my life now (true) and that I need to look forward to the future (also true), but I told him that the reason I have so many struggles now is because I’m trying to get over damage done in the past. Once I nail that coffin I WILL be able to enjoy the present and look forward to the future. I’m just happy to have some clarity. I actually had that conversation with him right before my therapy session. Maybe I can let it all go now. 🙂

    So happy to know you, Twinsie. I wish you only the best. I hope that one day we each are able to just put our past behind us, accept our dad’s and whatever relationship we may have with them (even if it isn’t picture perfect) and live our dreams. I will always be in your corner!

  3. Hi Kim,
    These is my second time on your bllog and the first time when I write to you…
    I,ve found your bllog a couple of days ago and i was so amazed of your courage to talk about your problems and the way you deal with them..you are an amazing person!!!
    Today i was reading your post again and i found myself in every word ….. all my life i lived trying to please everyone arround me especially my dad (which was definitely mission impossible)..i wasn’t alloud to speak my mind(as that was a sign of disrespect) and i grow up allways thinking that if I will say what i feel i will heart people.
    My mum left us when i was little (i gues because my dad was quiet hard to live with…but that is not an excuse) and since she left us i’ve started binge eating maybe to fill up the empty space that she left or maybe because i had a really hard time trying to please my dad in exchange for some love ..which i never felt from him towards me……or maybe both of these reasons lead me to eating disorder…
    I had the hardest year last year (emotionally) …and now i’m trying to come out of these and i found your blog an inspiration!! thank you so much!!!!!!!
    Ps.Thank you again and sorry for my english

  4. Awww, Cristina. You can pull yourself out of this! I’ve found that my eating issues definitely stem from things other than just weight issues or lack of willpower. I can’t even fully explain in words the relief I felt after my last session. It’s almost as if now that I understand the meaning behind it all I’ve been able to let go and move on. You can do this! It sounds like you understand some of the underlying issues with your disorder. I can definitely relate to a lot of what you stated. Sometimes we have to think of ourselves first and not always what we should do so as not to hurt others. In the end, we end up losing ourselves because we are always trying to please everyone else.

    Have you spoken to anyone about it at all? You can always e-mail me at perfect.imperfectly@gmail.com if you don’t want to write about certain things on the blog. The reason I write so freely about this is because I know I’m not alone in this and if my blog can help even one person I’ll be happy. 🙂 I wish you all the best! {{HUGS}} Thanks for stopping by my blog and posting. I love hearing from you.

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