What a crummy day it is here in CT. I heard the rain tapping on my windows this morning as I slowly dragged myself out of bed. It’s hard enough getting up on a nice day, but when I know it’s cold and wet outside it makes it that much harder to pull myself out from beneath my toasty covers. Ah, such is life. Once I got up and started moving I made it over to the gym to get some cardio in. At then end of 40 minutes on the elliptical I was a sweaty mess.
Confession #1 – I binged last night. I’m not even sure why it happened. I wasn’t starving nor did anything major happen yesterday that would have driven me to it. I do know that many times when I’m feeling lonely it becomes an escape for me. Sometimes I hate going home.
Confession #2 – I did what I normally do after a binge. First, I sit there mad and frustrated with myself. Why? WHY do I do this when there are so many positive things I could be doing with myself? Why do this when there are so many things I am thankful for? After the anger and frustration I pull out my calendar, a notebook and old training plans. I create challenges and goals for myself. (Ex: No more binges, get at least 16 workouts in this month, weight __lbs by ___, etc). I literally do this 9 out of 10 times that I binge. I think that it gives me hope. One thing I can say about myself is that I will never give up. I just hope that one day I can cut myself a break and just LIVE without all of these expectations I put on myself.
While scribbling all my goals and mapping out my plan for how I’m going to lose 8lbs by Thanksgiving and another 10lbs by the New Year my tv was on in the background. The show What’s Eating You was on. Have you seen it? It follows two people per episode who have issues with food. Sometimes I get something great out of watching it. Other times I learn things that probably aren’t the best for me. So anyway, that’s what was on in the background and I heard Andrew (who struggles with bulimia which causes isolation in his life) say that the disease was delaying him from living his life. That struck a chord with me. I can totally relate. I always feel like I should be somewhere further along in life. I’ve pushed people away when I’m not feeling good about myself. I had to leave school multiple times because of it. Sometimes it’s even a struggle for me to get up and go to work. There are days I don’t know how I’ve made it out of bed. Somehow I do because I know there are no other options. There are no life nets for me if I fall.
I am SO tired of dealing with this. Recently, I heard someone say that they wished they could just jump into someone else’s body to see what it’s like to be “normal” and not have to deal with this issue on such a constant basis. I’ve felt that too. I’m just so tired of this! Anyway….I’m going to keep pushing on and won’t let this dictate where my life is going. I’m not going to delay living life any longer than I already have.
Ok, rant over. I needed to get that out!
I hope that if the weather by you is the way it is here you’re sitting inside where it is comfy and cozy.
Have a great day!