Delaying Life No More

Hey There!

What a crummy day it is here in CT.  I heard the rain tapping on my windows this morning as I slowly dragged myself out of bed.  It’s hard enough getting up on a nice day, but when I know it’s cold and wet outside it makes it that much harder to pull myself out from beneath my toasty covers.  Ah, such is life.  Once I got up and started moving I made it over to the gym to get some cardio in.  At then end of 40 minutes on the elliptical I was a sweaty mess.

Confession #1 – I binged last night.  I’m not even sure why it happened.  I wasn’t starving nor did anything major happen yesterday that would have driven me to it.  I do know that many times when I’m feeling lonely it becomes an escape for me.  Sometimes I hate going home.

Confession #2 – I did what I normally do after a binge.  First, I sit there mad and frustrated with myself.  Why? WHY do I do this when there are so many positive things I could be doing with myself?  Why do this when there are so many things I am thankful for?  After the anger and frustration I pull out my calendar, a notebook and old training plans.  I create challenges and goals for myself.  (Ex:  No more binges, get at least 16 workouts in this month, weight __lbs by ___, etc).  I literally do this 9 out of 10 times that I binge.  I think that it gives me hope.  One thing I can say about myself is that I will never give up.  I just hope that one day I can cut myself a break and just LIVE without all of these expectations I put on myself.

While scribbling all my goals and mapping out my plan for how I’m going to lose 8lbs by Thanksgiving and another 10lbs by the New Year my tv was on in the background.  The show What’s Eating You was on.  Have you seen it?  It follows two people per episode who have issues with food.  Sometimes I get something great out of watching it.  Other times I learn things that probably aren’t the best for me.  So anyway, that’s what was on in the background and I heard Andrew (who struggles with bulimia which causes isolation in his life) say that the disease was delaying him from living his life.  That struck a chord with me.  I can totally relate.  I always feel like I should be somewhere further along in life.  I’ve pushed people away when I’m not feeling good about myself.  I had to leave school multiple times because of it.  Sometimes it’s even a struggle for me to get up and go to work.  There are days I don’t know how I’ve made it out of bed.  Somehow I do because I know there are no other options.  There are no life nets for me if I fall.

I am SO tired of dealing with this.  Recently, I heard someone say that they wished they could just jump into someone else’s body to see what it’s like to be “normal” and not have to deal with this issue on such a constant basis.  I’ve felt that too.  I’m just so tired of this!  Anyway….I’m going to keep pushing on and won’t let this dictate where my life is going.  I’m not going to delay living life any longer than I already have.

Ok, rant over.  I needed to get that out!

I hope that if the weather by you is the way it is here you’re sitting inside where it is comfy and cozy.

Have a great day!

Kim

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Delaying Life No More

  1. Oh Twinsie! I wish I could do the same as Lisa, and just help you magically. Shoot, I still do the same thing once in a while, but what’s wonderful is once you accept the fact that allowing yourself some slack won’t make you gain weight, it’ll come to you.

    I’ve noticed that if I stop cheating on my health (hehe, see today’s post), stay clean most times, and allow myself something fun every day, I’m not nearly as apt to binge.

    Thing is…when I do it…it’s the same as you. When I’m alone/lonely. I’ve started really trying to get my mind off of food as my friend, though. I’ve been reading, cleaning, playing with my kids…it’s a great feeling! (Besides, Maddie FINALLY started saying “momma!” and hugging me at the same time…now THAT gets my mind off of it all!)

    Hugs, Kimmy. You’ll get through this!!!!

    PS: Have you tried breaking your habit of “challenging” yourself immediately after a binge? Thing is…you’ll start associating self-challenges with binging. Maybe call a friend instead, since loneliness is what’s causing the binge? Basically, I don’t want you making a binge harder on yourself by “challenging” yourself. I feel like you’re making it a punishment of sorts! It shouldn’t be! NEVER punish yourself for binging. A binge is punishment enough. ❤

    • Awww, how cute about Maddie. Who wouldn’t melt with that?!

      Thank you for the encouragement! I’m tired of calculating everything, but afraid not to. I’m just my own worst enemy sometimes.

      I totally agree. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I’ve tried not to, but I think I feel more in control of what I’m going to do to make things better after the binge. Last night, I came home, turned most of the lights on, turned on some music and surfed the web. That helped. I don’t have many positive people in my life to talk to. I tried calling a good friend of mine, but I think she was working late. Some other people in my life (who I adore) have their own issues going on and sometimes listening to them complain brings me down and depresses me even more. A call from my boyfriend did lift my spirits. He always makes me laugh. He was telling me how I could gain the amount of weight that I’d like to lose and he’d still think I am beautiful and a great person. Ah, boys. Sometimes they know just what to say. 🙂 I think that I might try to get involved with a fun class or group after work a couple of days. I just don’t have much $$ to spend on it. I’d like to try photography or a cake decorating class. It would keep me out of trouble and around other people.

  2. You know what sets me up? Setting a goal of losing “x” by this date. Truly. You put too much pressure on yourself by doing that. I totally understand as I’m pushing to drop the last 10 BUT it’s going to come so I’m not killing myself to get there. I did restart with WW (working to get back to goal so I can work there) so I’m tracking again but not being OCD & not giving myself a “goal date.”

    Yes, I’m rambling but we’ve struggled with a lot of the same stuff & I know you well enough to be honest 🙂 Much love to you & please realize you are a beautiful girl. Stop being so hard on yourself!!!!

    • You know, you’re right. I do best when I’m just kind of going with the flow. I seem to lose weight naturally when I’m able to get into that zone. I don’t always remember how to get there though. I’ll try to take your approach about not being so OCD. I think that the reason I’m giving myself a goal date is because I want to feel good about myself during the holidays and right now I’m just not feeling that way. I don’t want to have a Kimmy tantrum on Thanksgiving morning or New Years Eve. Hard to explain….You are absolutely right though and I’m glad that I have you girls who understand me. There aren’t many people in my everyday life who do. Love ya, girl!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s