Something clicked today. I’m not sure where it came from, but after months of being in a depressed state my head feels clear this morning, if that makes any sense. I scrubbed my apartment clean last night and woke up feeling refreshed and in a positive mood.
These past few months have been a struggle, especially more recently. When I get into this funk I tend to hide from the world. I push people away because I don’t want to be seen by them. I’m really working on not letting that happen anymore. I will NOT let my weight control me anymore. No matter if I’m up 10 lbs or down a few it shouldn’t impact being able to enjoy life and realizing that I deserve to enjoy it. I’ve missed out on so many wonderful things in life because of this cycle and I’m not going to allow it to happen anymore!
October has been a crazy month for me. There was family weekend at my brother’s school, a work dinner, a wedding rehearsal and in the following two weekends a wedding and the trip to Bermuda. It has taken everything in me to not run and hide. There were so many times I wanted to tell my family or boyfriend that I couldn’t make it to a function that I had committed to; however, I pushed through and made myself do whatever it was that I didn’t want to. In the back of my mind I knew that if I didn’t go I’d end up being worse off in the long run. I’d sulk in my apartment, worry about my weight gain, pick myself apart and eventually end up bingeing. I know that cycle very well. It turns into a downward spiral with me ending up being even more depressed. I wasn’t going to let it happen again!!
Even though I’m so critical of myself I’m starting to realize that others don’t see me the same way. No matter how many times my mom, siblings, friends or boyfriend tell me that I look fine I just don’t see it. I feel like they tell me those things because they love and care about me. I mean, my mom told me that I was beautiful when I was at my peak weight so of course she can say the same now. I think that I have this image in my head of what I want to look like and because I don’t quite look that way I’m frustrated with myself.
At the rehearsal dinner last weekend I was called “skinny”. I was a little tipsy at the time but still recall thinking that the girl who made the comment must have been smoking crack crazy. My boyfriend later said that he was glad that someone other than those in my close circle said that to me. He felt that maybe I’d start seeing what others see in me.
Over the years, I’ve been on every diet imaginable. I developed food rules that I no longer remember where they first originated. I restricted myself to eating only certain “clean” foods. I basically went to extremes with my diet and exercise in order to get the body of my dreams. In the end, all that going to the extreme did was ending up in failure, making me feel like a loser for not reaching my goals. In the back of my mind, I’ve known it all along that trying to go the extreme route wasn’t going to bode well for me. It finally clicked that I need to do everything in moderation.
So, I decided that I’m going to jump on the Weight Watchers wagon. I’ve tried it in the past, but always tended to skimp on my points. I figured that if I didn’t eat everything it would lead to quicker weight loss. This time, I’m really going to stick to the plan, as written. What’s the worst that could happen, right? All I want is to be able to enjoy my life, laugh lots, love much and be comfortable in my own skin.
So, there ya have it, folks. I’m going to go back to posting meals daily. At some point the perfectionist in me came out, in regards to the blog. I kept making myself feel that I had to have something epic to post about daily. My life just isn’t that exciting and I don’t always have deep thoughts to write about. Whenever I do something I try to do it to my best ability. Instead of the blog being inspiring and motivating for me it was starting to put extra pressure on me. From now on I’m blogging to keep myself accountable and to stay in touch with friends. On a side note, my camera is broken, but I can use my cell for the time being. Please excuse the quality and lack of pictures for the time being.
I feel like my thoughts are all over the place today, but I’m looking forward to getting back into the swing of things. I hope you’re doing well! I’ve missed writing!