Thoughts & Confessions

Hey There!

It’s Tuesday, folks!  Getting closer to the goal!!  Is it sad that I’m already thinking about the weekend by the time Sunday night rolls around?

I still have to post about the remainder of my day yesterday.  The ride home was less than smooth, shall we say.  Luckily, time ended up playing in my favor, if I look at things with the glass half full.  For some reason, the computer here at work doesn’t allow me to post pics, so I’ll wait for this evening to post about this.

Onto some random thoughts and confessions…I’ve been feeling very confused lately with a number of things.  I’ve been slacking BIG TIME, in regards to my workouts.  I’ve been having some eating challenges, but have been keeping them down to a minimum, fortunately.  I miss feeling my best.  I miss not carrying around that extra little layer of flub that makes me feel self-conscious.  I miss seeing the muscle that I used to be so proud of.  I need to make a plan and get on track!!  My weight is down from when I first started blogging, which is great, but I know that I haven’t been putting my all into this and the results are in the pudding, as they say.

This feeling of being uncomfortable with myself makes me think back to last summer.  It was the first time that I was ever truly happy with how I looked.  It was the first time I had worn shorts since high school!!  I even dared to buy a few new pairs along with a couple of bikinis.  Who was I?!?!  I was at peace with my body.  It wasn’t perfect (it never will be), but I can honestly say that I was content.  Now, in all fairness, I also know that I wasn’t exactly eating the healthiest way possible.  I was definitely limiting my intake to a certain extreme, which is most likely why I am where I am now.  You know, the darn yo-yo effect.

However, last summer my life didn’t revolve around my weight.  I think weight will always be in the back of my mind, no matter how old I get.  My mom jokes that I’ll be at the nursing home questioning if they really gave me diet coke.  I hope she isn’t right about that, but she most likely is.  Anyway, last summer I was dating someone who was truly my buddy.  I liked having a routine with him.  Even though we were from two different worlds there was something that made us click on some level and I was….happy.  He made me feel beautiful.  Even when I didn’t see it in myself, I could see it through his eyes.  He was proud to be with me and made me feel special.

Like I said though, we were from two different worlds that somehow came together for the summer.  By mid-September things were over.  I feel like the song from Grease could be playing here…

Summer lovin’ had me a blast
Summer lovin’, happened so fast
I met a girl crazy for me
I met a boy, cute as can be

Summer days driftin’ away,
To uh-oh those summer nights
Tell me more, tell me more,
Did you get very far?
Tell me more, tell me more,
Like, does he have a car?

She swam by me, she got a cramp
He went by me, got my suit damp
I saved her life, she nearly drowned
He showed off, splashing around
Summer sun, something’s begun,
But uh-oh those summer nights

Tell me more, tell me more,
Was it love at first sight?
Tell me more, tell me more,
Did she put up a fight?
Took her bowlin’ in the Arcade
We went strollin’, drank lemonade
We made out under the dock
we stayed up until ten o’clock

Summer fling don’t mean a thing,
But uh-oh those summer nights
Tell me more, tell me more,
But you don’t gotta brag
Tell me more, tell me more,
Cause he sounds like a drag

He got friendly, holdin’ my hand
Well she got friendly, down in the sand
He was sweet, just turned eighteen
Well she was good, you know what I mean

Summer heat, boy and girl meet,
But uh-oh those summer nights
Tell me more, tell me more,
How much dough did he spend?
Tell me more, tell me more,
Could she get me a friend?

It turned colder, that’s where it ends
So I told her we’d still be friends
Then we made our true love vow
Wonder what she’s doin’ now

Summer dreams ripped at the seams,
But oh, those summer nights

He said we’d always be friends, but we all know how that goes.  A month later he had a new girlfriend and never spoke to me again.  From the day we broke up, my world crashed.  I think I vaguely mentioned this before, but I went on a downward spiral for months, which left me depressed and having major eating problems.  I gained weight, I withdrew from my family and friends….I wasn’t happy.

I don’t know why this is all coming out now.  Tears are actually streaming down my cheeks as I type this.  People in the office must be wondering what the heck is wrong w/ me as they scurry past my desk.  I thought I was past all of this, but I guess I put up a good front.  People always compliment how I’m always smiling; however, my smiles definitely hide a lot.  It isn’t necessarily that I want to be with my ex.  In fact, I know I don’t, now that I know who he truly is.  I just miss having a buddy and being the girl that I was last summer.  I miss having a sense of security in my life.  I have to figure out how to make myself happy again.

Sorry for being such a mush today.  Not sure what came over me.  I’ll be back to my normal self later. 🙂

Have a good one!

Kim

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2 thoughts on “Thoughts & Confessions

  1. I’m so sorry. I know he totally ripped your world apart–but what he said about oyu being beautiful and great the way you are–its true–you ARE. So don’t fight that, own it :).

    When I quit forgetting about weight is when I often lose–works for me every time. The more I Think about it and question things, the harder it is for me to lose.

  2. Thanks, Lisa. 🙂 People say it to me, but I used to let it go in one ear and out the other. He was the first person who I could truly see it in his eyes with. I felt precious to him.

    I agree 100%. I think that’s why last summer was so good. I had other things to focus on. I’m trying to fill me time with other things, but it annoys me to no end when I go to put something on and it isn’t fitting the way it once did!

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