Reaching Out to Start Loving Myself

Hi Friends!

I know I’ve been MIA lately.  Sorry for disappearing on you like that.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a little….lost.  There are so many good things going on in my life (fun family happenings, life with Rob, good friends, my new car, etc) and yet there’s something weighing on me and I can’t seem to put my finger on it.

I don’t feel motivated  AT ALL.  There are days I wish I could just hide away under the covers of the bed and not have to deal with anything.  I go to work and count the seconds until I’m able to leave.  You’d think it was a horrible place where I was tortured all day, but it isn’t.  Yes, they definitely load you with work and the way they go about things isn’t always right, but I’m surrounded by many good people, especially two great friends that I made here. 

It makes me wonder if I’m just unhappy because there are other things I’d rather be doing, like pursuing baking, nutrition and building up my blog.  Everyone has to work (well, pretty much everyone) and I’m sure that we’d all rather be doing something other than sitting at our desks everyday.  There are things that we’d all rather be doing and I know that I’m not alone in feeling that way.

I started to have a few binge problems lately and I wonder if it all stems from my unhappiness and feeling trapped.  I tend to completely zone out when I have my eating issues.  I escape reality for those moments and then feel completely horrible afterwards.  Rob caught me for the first time the other night and I was mortified.  I hated him having to see me at my low point.  I feel so guilty when he then has to deal with my negative attitude because I’m mad at myself for losing control.  Even though he loves me and we are a team I don’t want to put that strain on him and our relationship.  He always tells me that he loves me so much and then states that he wishes that I could loved myself just as much.

So, Sunday afternoon I started to do some investigating and found a therapy/nutrition group that specializes in those with eating disorders.  I reached out and asked for help and am in the process of making my first appointment with them.  While I’m MUCH better than I was over the past decade or so (scary to even think I’ve been dealing with this for so long) I don’t even want to fathom another 32+ years of dealing with this.  It just isn’t healthy, mentally or physically. 

I NEVER want my future children to see me struggling nor do I want to push my own issues onto them.  I would never forgive myself, because I wouldn’t wish what I’ve gone through on my worst enemy, nevermind my own flesh and blood.

Yesterday, I started writing out my thoughts, listing reasons I think I have my flare ups with these issues.  I shared them with Rob and my mom and I plan on bringing them with me to my first session.  I see the problems, I just have to find the steps to help in correcting them.

Rob and I both agree that I need to take the time to pursue the things that I’m passionate about.  I started looking into classes that will bring some joy into my life and help me further develop my skills in the things that I enjoy (baking, photography, nutrition, yoga, etc).  Having the money to do these things has always been an issue, but I think that in this case finding the means to do these things will be a major step in the right direction for me.  Let these things be my outlet, instead of zoning out with food.  Let my skills develop so that I have a sense of accomplishment and self worth….I think that I will love myself for it in the long run.

So, that’s that.    Now, it’s time to get back to work and knock out the remaining 3 hours left to the work day.

No matter what, always remember….

Hope the beginning of your week has been a great one! 

<3

Kim

Getting Off the Merry-Go-Round

Happy Friday, Friends!

I can’t explain how happy I am that less than a full workday separates me from my weekend.  I’m doing the Friday Happy Dance in my chair right now. Woot! Woot!

I was groggy when I woke up this morning and my stomach wasn’t feeling just right.  Normally, I would roll over and give myself that extra hour of sleep before getting ready for work, but I had an appointment at the gym and wasn’t going to miss it. 

Remember when I was stood up by that trainer about a month ago?  If not, you can read about it here & here.  About a week later she called with a sorry excuse of an explanation as to why she didn’t show.  I knew she was lying.  Have I mentioned how much I detest lies?  I’d rather hear the truth than know that you’re trying to pull the wool over my eyes.  She simply could have said that she had forgotten the appointment, but she didn’t.  Everyone makes mistakes.  I would have accepted that and moved on.  After hearing her excuse on my voicemail, I pressed the delete button and never called back.

On Wednesday, one of the guys at the front desk approached me during my warm-up asking if I was going to take my free sessions.  I briefly told him what happened and he promised that he was going to set me up with the best trainer they have.  Before leaving the gym, I was introduced to James and was given an appointment for this morning.

After speaking with him for the first few minutes this morning, I knew he was the right fit for my training needs.  People tend to think I’m younger than I really am (very thankful for my genes) and always try to hand me off to the newbie trainers.  Most times, I know more than they do.  I explain “THIS HAS BEEN MY LIFE FOR YEARS!”  As I responded to James’ questions his eyebrows started to arch up.  He acknowledged that I know my stuff and that he’s going to bring me to that next level that I’ve been trying to reach.

Remember when I had my knee problems (You can find some posts about it here, here & here)? Ever since then I’ve been deathly afraid of doing something wrong in the gym to make my knees flare up again.  Just a few weeks ago I started to slowly add lower body exercises into the mix.  I never run because I’m afraid of what the impact might do, but have been doing other forms of cardio.  I explained my fears and James told me how we’re going to correct the problem.  I’m excited!

Another fear of mine deals with the nutrition aspect of things.  I told James a little bit about my weight history.  We went over my meals and I impressed him with my tuna salad recipe.  Fat free greek yogurt , mixed in with a lil mustard, to add some creaminess and a zing?  Yes please!   I’d take it over mayo any day of the week!

After hearing me out, he told me what I already know deep down.  He told me that I’m not eating enough.  I know that this is the root of all of my problems.  It’s why I never have enough energy, it’s why I have hit a plateau with my weight loss, it’s why I haven’t been making gains with my lifts and it’s why I eventually end up binging.  I have an honest fear about upping calories, but I know it’s what I must do.  With James’ guidance I’m going to up my cals and hopefully see the results I’ve been searching for.  I’m truly scared, but I know it must be done.  If not, I’m going to end up in the same cycle I’ve been on for years.  It’s a ride I wouldn’t wish on anyone and I want out!  I’m getting off this merry-go-round and never looking back!

What’s something that’s a true fear of yours that isn’t a second thought to someone else?  My food fears have been a struggle for as long as I can remember.  I’m much better now with adding variety and some fun to my meals.  I’m a work in progress.  My mom fears driving on the highway.  We all have our thing.

<3

Kim

I’ll Never Quit

Hi Friends!

  We have some major meetings being held in our office this week with many of our off site coworkers in attendance.  There has been a build up of both excitement and chaos in the air and people are working in what seems to be double time in order to keep up. 

Every quarter we have a company-wide meeting to review the past quarter and set goals for the next.  I love that our company does this.  It sets everyone on the same page and unites us in working toward the same goals.

I have to say, I feel lucky to be working here.  We work hard, but the company does such nice things to reward people for their extra efforts.  I’ve also learned quite a bit since starting here in April, which I always appreciate.  I think it’s important to keep the old noggin challenged, ya know?

With everything going on at work, Rob being away, lack of sleep and the start of a new lifestyle plan (nutrition and exercise) I knew the inevitable was bound to happen.  I just didn’t know when.  I found out on Saturday though.

I always told myself that I would be upfront and honest on my blog.  I don’t want to sugar coat my struggles with my eating disorder in any way, because I know there are others going through the exact same thing.  I don’t want you to think that one day I was having problems and they magically disappeared overnight (even though I wish I could say that).

Whenever I don’t quite know what to do with my eating I tend to lean towards not eating enough.  Without fail, this ends up hurting me over time, because there’s only so much we can put our bodies through before they rebel, which mine did.

I won’t go into much detail, but I will say that over the past 3 days I’ve had some binge issues.  I felt it coming on over the past week.  I was so hungry, yet I wouldn’t listen to my body.  I went by the numbers I was calculating rather than how my body felt.  In the end, my body screamed out to me for help, resulting in the binges and complete disappointment in myself. 

I was doing so good before this past weekend. It had been months since my last problem.  I find that this happens when I try to go to extremes with my body and this served as a reminder to be kind to myself and to truly listen to what my body needs instead of what’s on a sheet of paper.

Rob and I have a great relationship.  Even when I’m embarrassed and/or disappointed in myself it’s easy for me to let him know when I’ve had a problem.  Sunday I text him that I wished I could just be normal.  He responded that he wouldn’t love me that way. LOL.  Have I mentioned how much I love that man?  LOTS!

Being with Rob has shown me how important it is to fill my life with things that I’m interested in and with good people.  For so long if someone asked me what I wanted to do or what I liked my response would be either “I don’t know” or “I don’t care”.  He doesn’t allow me to get away with those answers anymore.  He knows that it’s important for me to voice my opinion and be happy with the things going on in my life.

I’m happy to say that I’ve made steps in the right direction with that.  Blogging is one of those things that help in fulfilling me.  It’s been a way to get things weighing me down off of my shoulders and also a way to meet like-minded people.  I have so many other passions that I would like to pursue and I’m on my way to going after each and every one! 

Filling my life with good things and speaking up have definitely played a huge role in helping me beat my eating disorder.  There’s just one piece of the puzzle left.  That piece has to do with my nutrition.   Whenever the little devil on my shoulder whispers to me that I could shave off a few calories here or there I’m going to fight back…..before my body does it for me.

Time to get back up, brush myself off and get moving in the right direction again.  One thing is for sure, no matter how many times I fall, I will never quit. 

Sorry this post was kind of choppy.  Just a lot on my mind right now.  I hope this Tuesday has been a Terrific one for you!

<3

Kim

Knots in My Stomach

Happy Friday!

I can’t wait to do the Friday Happy Dance when the whistle blows at 5 tonight.  I am SO READY to start the weekend.  I would say that I woke up doing the happy dance, just knowing that today is Friday, but I can’t lie.  I woke up this morning with a knot in my stomach.  I believe the knot is there because I am a perfectionist. 

Perfectionist

-noun

1.  a person who adheres to or believes in perfectionism.

2. a person who demands perfection of himself, herself, or others

-adjective

3. of, pertaining to, or distinguished by perfection or perfectionism

The knot has slowly been growing with my work load and feeling like I might let something slip through the cracks here.  I question my skills and abilities to perform my best.  I worry that something major will go wrong because of something I’ve done or have forgotten to do.  At the rate this is going I’m going to end up with an ulcer!  There have been a few days this week where I sat at my desk with tears forming in my eyes.  I didn’t let them slip down my cheek, but they were there.  I’m feeling overwhelmed.

I woke up this morning and the first thing I said to Rob was “I don’t want to go.”  He said that he didn’t either. LOL.  I guess we all feel that way at times, huh?  I dragged my feet to the bathroom to take a shower, got ready, got hugs from Rob, told him again that I didn’t want to go and then was out the door, sipping my protein shake as I went.

The thing is, I do love it here.  I love the sense of accomplishment and the people who I work with.  I need to work on my coping skills otherwise I know this won’t be good. 

Want to know the truth?  I ended up having an eating problem the other night, after SO MANY weeks of no binges, because of my stress level.  It was a way to just zone out and not worry for a few minutes.  It, by far, was not as bad as binges from the past, but it still was a binge which isn’t healthy (mentally or physically).

Anyway….plans for the weekend?  Nothing set in stone just yet.  I’m hoping for a relaxing night at home tonight.  Tomorrow, if there’s enough wind, I’ll have my first kite-boarding lesson of the season.  If I don’t post by Monday someone come looking for me.  I might have been blown away! 

Rob has plans with his brother on Sunday and I might possibly make a drive to CT to see my mom.  I miss her so much!  There’s so much to do at the house though (groceries, cleaning, laundry, etc).  I know it’ll be weighing on my mind and I won’t fully be able to enjoy myself.  I never made it to the store last weekend, so we basically just have drinks in the fridge right now.  I definitely have to make a grocery run!

I also foresee a sweaty gym sesh in my future.  I think it will help in fighting the stress and make me feel a lil better.  I’m going to see if one of the trainers can take my body fat for me.  I weigh 10 lbs more than my happy weight right now, but I’m fitting in pants that I used to wear at that weight, so my body composition must have changed.  Yay for lifting and eating right!

Ok, time to get back to work.  I just wanted to pop in, get the anxiety off of my chest AND to say hello to you, of course!

Wishing you a speedy Friday and a Fab Weekend!

<3

Kim