Making The Effort to Let Go & Release Control

Hey There,

We made it to the mid-week hump!  Still moving like molasses here, but at least there are less days remaining to the work week than those that need to be worked.  Another plus?  This is a long weekend for me with our office being closed on Monday. Hurray!

This is only my second day of blogging from my car and I can already tell you that it’s been a great outlet for me.  Stepping away from that desk of mine and the craziness inside the office does a world of good.  I feel like a load is lifted off of my shoulders.

Right before I headed out here I received an e-mail from a coworker that annoyed me.  Steam blew through my ears, I vented to a coworker friend of mine and told her “With that I’m off to my car!”  She laughed and told me to run.

I have to say, if not for anything I’ve made two true friends while working here.  I’ve also picked up a lot of knowledge for future use, if you get what I mean.  The friendships are most important to me though.  Those two friends have gotten me through many tough days.  Then, they’d send me off to Rob, who they knew would help in mending the wounds of the day.

Anyway, I couldn’t sleep last night.  If you follow me on twitter you know that I got an iPhone 4s yesterday.  Between the excitement of setting it up and also drinking a Starbucks’ Venti  Awake tea an hour before bedtime (smart, right?) my eyes just wouldn’t close.  I gave Rob a kiss (he was already out of it) and headed back to the living room to watch a few shows I had saved on the DVR (The Vampire Diaries & The Secret Circle, if you must know.)

Yes, I’m a wannabe teenager.   I love The Vampire Diaries, but I’m not sure how I’m feeling about The Secret Circle right now.  Time will tell though.

Close to 2 AM my eyelids started drooping.  At this point my stomach was feeling off.  I slept on and off until 5:45 AM, when my alarm sounded to get up for my training session at the gym.  I SO didn’t feel like getting up, but I did.  The trainer ended up being late AGAIN!  I think he knows I’m getting tired of it.

People tend to take advantage of my kindness, but if you push me to a certain point you don’t even know what’s coming at you.  The wrath of Kim.  I think the roll of my eyes this morning gave him an inkling that I’m nearing the end of my rope.  Anyway, whenever he does show we have a great session and this didn’t disappoint.  I walked out feeling like I’d gotten something accomplished before my day truly got started.

Today, I wanted to touch upon a little something I mentioned yesterday.  I quickly stated that I had no resolutions regarding weight loss and that’s true.  I don’t remember a year where weight loss hasn’t been a goal of mine.  Honestly, I’m in a good place right now with my weight.  Would I be happy if I lost a pound or two?  I’m not going to lie, I would, but I’m not focusing on it.

After so many years of abusing my body and mentally draining myself with calculations and macronutrient counts I realized that I was just plain over it.  To focus so long and hard on something and have it get me nowhere just isn’t worth it.  I know I’ve said it before, but I’m my own worst enemy.  I’m my own worst critic, as well.

So, I decided about a month ago that I wasn’t going to let this defeat me any longer.  I had to make the effort to let go & release control.  I joined Weight Watchers online because I felt like it would allow me to feel safe with my eating while learning balance and moderation.  I’ve gone to such extremes in the past that I rarely ever enjoy food.  I don’t remember what many things taste like (because I made them off-limits to myself) and going to restaurants or other people’s houses became be traumatic events for me.  I don’t want this for myself, Rob, my family or my future children.  I want to live in the moment, enjoy life and maybe even enjoy a piece of cake if I so choose.

Mmm....Cake

I want to be able to share an ice cream cone with Rob on a random Sunday, after a day of boating.

Usually, I’m the person in the group saying that they’ll only have an iced coffee or something calorie free.  We only get one life and we should enjoy special moments.

The point is, I needed my mind to be clear from the restrictions I inflicted on it.  I tend to eat mostly healthy as it is, but if I choose to enjoy a special treat every so often I should be able to….WITHOUT guilt.  Weight Watchers has been great for me and I look forward to defeating my eating issues by continuing with it.

Errr….it’s about that time again.  Time to head back inside for a few more hours.  You can bet I’ll be racing out as quickly as possible to make it home and spend some cuddle time with my man.

I hope you’re having a good day!

<3
Kim

What steps you’re taking to work on issues you deal with?

Would you like to see some of my typical daily eats?

I want to know.  Let me hear from you.

2012 – Making The List

Hi Friends!

Hope this week is treating you kindly so far.  Going through the same old stuff over here.  I’m actually a day ahead of myself.  Last night, I couldn’t believe that it was only Monday.  Only Monday? Seriously? How sad is that?  Today, I’m totally thinking that it’s Wednesday.  Oh well.  Some weeks move like lightning and others like molasses.  This just happens to be a molasses kind of week.

Currently, I’m sitting in my car.  If I don’t get out of the office I end up getting pulled into things, which leads to:

• Not taking lunch.
• Not fitting my blogging in.
• Not being able to read about what’s going on in my favorite people’s lives (Including but not limited to: Melissa, Lisa, Nicole & Melissa #2.)
• Starting to feel drained before the 5 PM whistle blows.
• All of the above (which is most of the time).

For Christmas, my mom got me this handy bag for work.

I filled it up with all of my essentials and made a pact that I’d go out to my car during lunch, at least a few times a week, to take a breather and blog.  So, here I sit.

Man, look at those bags under my eyes.  Someone needs better sleep!

My morning started out with a 30 minute sweat session on the elliptical.  I admit, it was a major struggle pulling myself out from under the covers this morning.  I’ve been feeling extremely tired lately, even though I’ve been going to bed at a reasonable hour.  So, I’m thinking this is due to my body being run down from that cold I can’t seem to get rid of.  I’m sure work stress has something to do with it, as well. 

The only thing that made me jump up was knowing that Rob’s car was parked behind me in the driveway and I’d have to get up anyway to move it.  Why not move it and get a gym session in, right?  I was pumped once my workout was over and done with.  I might have to park in front of Rob more often.

Before January (and 2012) gets away from me I wanted to post my goals for the new year. 

I’m proud to say that for once there is no weight loss goal within my resolutions.  I’m over it!  I’m at a healthy weight and want to work on health and fitness more than focusing on weight loss.  If I happen to lose some weight in the process I won’t complain, but that isn’t my main goal.  I’ll post more about my current nutrition decision in an upcoming post.

There are some major events happening in 2012…

• My Mom’s 60th Birthday – April
• My Brother’s Graduation From College (He’s the last of the 5 siblings finishing up school) – May
• My Sister’s Bridal Shower, Bachelorette & Wedding! (The 1st of the 5 siblings to get married) – Summer 2012
• Other fabulous things will be sprinkled throughout the year, as well, but these are the MAJOR events.

With all that going on, I want to be at my best (mentally, physically & spiritually).  This is going to be a great year.  I CAN FEEL IT!!

I broke my goals into 3 categories:

1. Fitness/Health – Be Consistent
2. Love, Family & Friends – Be Grateful
3. Self/Life – Become More Well-Rounded & Fulfilled

Here’s what made my list:

1. Fitness/Health – Be Consistent
   1. Weight Train 2-3 days/week
   2. Cardio 2-3 days/week
   3. Add yoga & stretching to my routine.
   4. Train for an event. (I’m looking at this one: http://eventpowerli.com/events/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=95:town-of-islip-gsb&catid=35:events)
   5. Be able to do at least 5 unassisted pull-ups.
   6. Work on my disordered eating.
   7. Schedule all doctor/dentist appointments. (I’m not consistent with this annually)
   8. Drink at least 64 oz of water/day.
   9. Take my multivitamin daily.
2. Love, Family & Friends- Be Grateful
   1. Plan more things with Rob (dates, trips, experiences, etc).
   2. See my family more often.
   3. Plan time with friends.
   4. Reach out to friends/family I’ve lost touch with.
   5. Take more pictures of those I love – Create a scrapbook.
   6. Make as many great memories as possible.
   7. Some of my goals in this category are missing b/c they will be surprises for the people in my life, some of whom frequent the blog. 
3. Self/Life- Become More Well-Rounded & Fulfilled
   1. Follow current events. (I’m horrible with this)
   2. Get into a groove with blogging. (Think I found the solution to this. Anyone else blog from their car?) 
   3. Take more pictures.
   4. Read at least 1 book per month.
   5. Volunteer (find something I’m passionate about and donate my time)
   6. Do nice things for myself (mani, pedi, new clothes, etc)
   7. Learn to speak up and take initiative!
   8. Take classes (photography, baking, cooking, nutrition, etc)
      1. I really want to sign up for baking classes offered by The Cake Boss!
   9. Experiment with my baking and start selling.
   10. Make a dream come true (can’t elaborate on this right now, but will when the time is right).
   11. Go to church more consistently (aka not only on holidays).

There are a few things I’m unable to list right now, but will be able to when the time is right.  I don’t want to spoil some surprises for others and also have to be careful about certain things I post here.  The time will come when I will be able to share, so definitely stay tuned.

My goal list is extensive, but I think that I can manage everything I’m hoping to.  I’m looking to fill my life with an assortment of positive things and be more balanced in all aspects of life.  Things tend to be one-sided with me (work, work, work, etc).  I also have an all or nothing type of personality, which stems from that darn perfectionist trait of mine.

So, that’s my goal list.  What made your list this year?

Man, my lunch hour is already over.  That went way too fast!  It was certainly nice to step away from my desk and do something I enjoy though.

Wishing you a great day!

<3

Kim

Pressing the Reset Button

Hi Friends!

It’s been forever since I’ve had the chance to write.  Between craziness at work, the holidays and coming down with an awful cold there hasn’t been time for much lately.  It’s a whole new year though.  Can you believe it?!  I feel like 2011 went by in the blink of an eye!

With the new year comes a clean slate.  It’s a time to reflect on the past (without lingering too long about our “should’ve, could’ve, would’ve”s) and move forward with knowledge gained from the past year.  

While listening to the radio on my way into work the other day someone mentioned a reset button.  It made me start thinking how the change from one year into the next is like pressing an imaginary reset button, kind of like Staples’ “easy button”. 

This yearly reset allows us to wipe the slate clean and start fresh with our resolutions for the new year.  What we mentally weren’t ready to do a week prior is now our mission, once the magic ball drops from the sky, ringing in our new year.

I have to say that I was in a negative place towards the end of 2011.  I was disgruntled with work issues, which then began to seep into other areas of my life.  I began struggling with eating issues again, as a result, which led to a variety of emotions including: sadness, disappointment and anger.  Of course, I’m like an open book.  I definitely wear my emotions on my sleeve and even when I tried to hide them Rob knew something was wrong.  My being down brought him down too and that isn’t what I wanted at all.

Nothing magically changed overnight, from 2011 into 2012.  I woke up with the same issues, but I think that being able to press the reset button in my mind has given me some clarity and peace of mind.  I wrote some goals for myself which I’ll share in another post.  Rob and I are in the process of writing some goals for ourselves as a couple, as well.  It’s so easy to say “we’ll do it one day”, but as we learned in 2011 with the loss of some loved ones, life is WAY too short to put things off for “one day”.  I loved that it was Rob’s idea for the goals as a couple.  Sometimes, he’s a complete mush-ball.  Don’t tell his friends or family that.  It’s our secret, ok? 

I have many plans for 2012, with consistent blogging being included.  So, my friends, I will be back soon to fill you in on some goals of mine and catch up about life, in general.

Wishing you a new year filled with much happiness, many smiles, good health, success & fond memories!

<3

Kim

Shut Down

Good Morning, Friends!

I’m home sick today.  Would you believe I had to promise my mother last night that I wouldn’t go into work today?  I was always the kid trying to go to school, even if I had a high temperature and was feeling miserable.  Maybe that has a little to do with my perfectionist tendency, but I know that it had more to do with worrying about what I was going to miss and fearing falling behind the rest of the class.  I was never able to just rest easy and relax.

Anyway, I started feeling sick on Sunday and tried to rest in bed and read.  From Sunday afternoon until the early hours of this morning I had a constant headache that wouldn’t go away.  Thank goodness it finally seems to be gone (knock on wood).

Against Rob’s wishes I went to work yesterday.  There’s a big meeting going on today that I had to help prep for.  I went in knowing that I could always leave if I had to.  I just wanted to get a few things done to help my coworkers.  Everything seemed to be taking an extra long time for me to complete, due to the headache and then my temperature starting to rise.  It seemed to be one obstacle after another situating itself between me and getting myself out the door.  By the time I made it out of the office after 2PM I thought I was barely going to be able to make it home.  Luckily, there was no traffic at that time.  I whizzed home and plopped on the couch for the rest of the day.

In between episodes of sleep, I watched a few holiday movies that had been building up on the DVR.   By late evening I was starting to get worried because I wasn’t feeling any better at all.  Rob is away on a business trip, so there was no one to watch out for me.  My mom called to check in around that time.  It’s like she has radar.  I hope that I can be as good of a mom one day.  We think that I might have caught a bug, but this also seems to be what happens to me when I’m under a lot of stress.  My body just shuts down on me.

There’s one main source of stress in my life right now and I’m working on fixing the problem.  To be honest with you, my friends, I’ve been having some of my eating issues lately and I know that they stem from the stress.  My body physically shuts down, but emotionally I shut down too.  Rob had to pull me off of the stairs leading into the attic on Sunday because I was just standing on them crying with worry about the coming work week.

So, that’s where I’m at right now.  I’m not sitting here moping around today though.  I’m trying to stay positive and know that I’ll get myself into a better situation.  I’m going to relax, hopefully get rid of this bug and think about the good things coming in the near future.  Rob and I are thinking of moving this coming spring/summer, so I’m excited about our new home and being able to decorate it together.  I think that it will make me feel like it’s ours instead of me just living in Rob’s house, the way that I do now.  We’re looking in an area that reminds me of my home in CT.  I think that it would make for a little less home-sickness.  By the time January hits it will be 8 short months until my sister’s wedding.  I know those months will be filled with good times together leading up to the big day.  I also have a few creative things up my sleeve.  I’ll share them as they come along.

So, it’s now time for this girly to cuddle up with a mug of hot tea and rest for a bit.

By the way, you know I’m sick when I let you see me with bed head, glasses and no makeup at all.

I hope that you had a great weekend and that a wonderful week is in store for you.

<3

Kim

Return From My Blogging Lapse

My Dear Friends,

So sorry for such a lapse in posting.  Work has been absolutely nutzo lately!  The time and energy to blog just hasn’t been there for me, but I’m hoping to get myself on some sort of schedule (either before work or after) in the coming weeks.

The holidays have been a whirlwind.  I can’t believe that the New Year is already upon us.  I feel like stores have been pushing each holiday way sooner than they should be.  I know they always do this, but it seemed to be at an extreme this year.  Have you felt that way at all?  I think they started pushing Halloween towards the end of August.  As much as I love candy corn, there’s something just wrong about it sitting on store shelves before fall has hit.

Thanksgiving went by in a flash!  Rob sent me to CT, via ferry, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving so I could spend some extra time with my family.  It was so nice being around everyone that I love and miss so much! 

All of the bedrooms were occupied, so my mom and I camped out on the living room couches while watching Lifetime movies.  I think that I saw more of the back of my eyelids than the actual movies, but it was nice being tucked in and spending some alone time with my mom.  I love that woman SO MUCH!

My sister and her boyfriend were great hosts the following day, to our family and his.  As we grow older traditions are changing.  Change is so hard for me.  I love routines and our special traditions.  I feel like something is missing when we don’t do things exactly the way we have for 30+ years. 

On a side note, how did I become old enough to have experienced that many Thanksgivings?!?!  SCARY!!

No matter what, the most important thing is being surrounded by those closest to me.

 Maybe having a few of my Aunt’s pizzelles too….

 

Being able to see my Aunt was even better though. 

I hope you’re able to slow down and enjoy this holiday season.  Between work, daily “to-dos” and all of the extra tasks that come with the holidays sometimes we forget what it’s really all about.

Be back soon!

<3

Kim

Wednesday Top 5

Hey There!

  After yesterday’s kind of down in the dumps post I wanted to lighten things up in here.  Here are some things that are making me smile today.

1.  We’ve made it to middle of the week, my friends!

2. The weather is beautiful today. 

3. Memories from some random adventures with Rob last night keep making me laugh.

We had to go to FedEx last night to pick up a package.  Before gaining entrance to the building you had to buzz in and they let you through a turnstile.  Rob went through first and didn’t realize that Mr. FedEx decided he was going to play a joke on me, locking me in the turnstile.  He kept walking until I shrieked “Num!” (one of my nicknames for him).  He found my reaction hilarious.

4. My mom is coming to Long Island this weekend!  She’ll be staying with my sister and her fiance, so I’ll be seeing these guys too!

I think I’ve really been missing my family.  Can’t wait to get some hugs! Which makes me look forward to…

5.  Seeing all of these guys on Thanksgiving!  It’s only 2 short weeks away! Can you believe it?!?!

This picture was taken a few Thanksgivings ago.  I’ll be sure to take many more pictures of the gang in a few weeks!

Ok, time for this girly to get back to work.  I have so much to do over the next 2 1/2 hours.  I scheduled my first therapy session for next Wednesday.  I hope that I click with the therapist and get things moving in a more positive direction.

Wishing you a Wonderful Remainder to Your Wednesday!

<3

Kim

Reaching Out to Start Loving Myself

Hi Friends!

I know I’ve been MIA lately.  Sorry for disappearing on you like that.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a little….lost.  There are so many good things going on in my life (fun family happenings, life with Rob, good friends, my new car, etc) and yet there’s something weighing on me and I can’t seem to put my finger on it.

I don’t feel motivated  AT ALL.  There are days I wish I could just hide away under the covers of the bed and not have to deal with anything.  I go to work and count the seconds until I’m able to leave.  You’d think it was a horrible place where I was tortured all day, but it isn’t.  Yes, they definitely load you with work and the way they go about things isn’t always right, but I’m surrounded by many good people, especially two great friends that I made here. 

It makes me wonder if I’m just unhappy because there are other things I’d rather be doing, like pursuing baking, nutrition and building up my blog.  Everyone has to work (well, pretty much everyone) and I’m sure that we’d all rather be doing something other than sitting at our desks everyday.  There are things that we’d all rather be doing and I know that I’m not alone in feeling that way.

I started to have a few binge problems lately and I wonder if it all stems from my unhappiness and feeling trapped.  I tend to completely zone out when I have my eating issues.  I escape reality for those moments and then feel completely horrible afterwards.  Rob caught me for the first time the other night and I was mortified.  I hated him having to see me at my low point.  I feel so guilty when he then has to deal with my negative attitude because I’m mad at myself for losing control.  Even though he loves me and we are a team I don’t want to put that strain on him and our relationship.  He always tells me that he loves me so much and then states that he wishes that I could loved myself just as much.

So, Sunday afternoon I started to do some investigating and found a therapy/nutrition group that specializes in those with eating disorders.  I reached out and asked for help and am in the process of making my first appointment with them.  While I’m MUCH better than I was over the past decade or so (scary to even think I’ve been dealing with this for so long) I don’t even want to fathom another 32+ years of dealing with this.  It just isn’t healthy, mentally or physically. 

I NEVER want my future children to see me struggling nor do I want to push my own issues onto them.  I would never forgive myself, because I wouldn’t wish what I’ve gone through on my worst enemy, nevermind my own flesh and blood.

Yesterday, I started writing out my thoughts, listing reasons I think I have my flare ups with these issues.  I shared them with Rob and my mom and I plan on bringing them with me to my first session.  I see the problems, I just have to find the steps to help in correcting them.

Rob and I both agree that I need to take the time to pursue the things that I’m passionate about.  I started looking into classes that will bring some joy into my life and help me further develop my skills in the things that I enjoy (baking, photography, nutrition, yoga, etc).  Having the money to do these things has always been an issue, but I think that in this case finding the means to do these things will be a major step in the right direction for me.  Let these things be my outlet, instead of zoning out with food.  Let my skills develop so that I have a sense of accomplishment and self worth….I think that I will love myself for it in the long run.

So, that’s that.    Now, it’s time to get back to work and knock out the remaining 3 hours left to the work day.

No matter what, always remember….

Hope the beginning of your week has been a great one! 

<3

Kim